The Flagrancy

Raptorphernalia: New York Knicks

Isiah Thomas can enflame the tinder tempers of an NBA team with his arms folded, standing on the sidelines.  But Zeke’s true talents lie in his ability to burn money—particularly if it belongs to someone else.  It turns out that Thomas’ failed buyout of the Raptors and his bankruptcy of the CBA were merely kindling for his latest financial inferno: James Dolan’s New York Knicks.

To celebrate this feat, The Flagrancy will be equipping Raptor fans with 19,800 Isiah Thomas Lighters and $139 million Dolan Dollars to burn throughout the next home game against the Knicks.

Sideline Primes, put your lighters up, Sprite Zone keep puttin’ them lighters up!

Raptorphernalia: New Jersey Nets

Ladies and gentleman: the Vince Carter-edition tampon dispenser.

You were warned.

Raptorphernalia: Boston Celtics

Next stop: the Atlantic Division, and the legendary Boston Celtics. 

While The Flagrancy is admittedly choked that our first choice—a Red Auberbach rolling grave (it smokes!)— proved too ambitious for our modest Photofuckery skillz, the editors are pleased to offer readers a runner-up Raptorphernalia item: Danny Ainge Baseball Cards.

In case you forgot, or didn’t follow the Doug Ault-era Blue Jays, Ainge played 3 seasons in Toronto and struggled to keep his bat above the Mendoza line (.200).  What’s special about The Flagrancy’s Raptorphernalia-Edition card is that it also highlights Ainge's GM career, and how he has struggled to keep his Celtics over the Elgin Baylor line (.400).

 

Raptorphernalia: Washington Wizards

When Brenda Haywood ripped two dreadlocks from Dylan Thomas' head, The Blue Baller's comedic-irony senses chimed doubly.  First, "the roots" of dreadlocks lie as a religious symbol, an expression of inner spirituality.  Second, the first time either of these two pussies finally decided to physically exert themselves against another basketball player, it was with a teammate in a locker room.

So the next time the Wizards visit the ACC, deflate the freethrow-distracting purple balloons and lively up yourself with a pair of The Flagrancy's new Caribana-themed Etan Thomas dreads.

Blessed.

Raptorphernalia: Orlando Magic

So I'm not sure who this Raptorphernalia item hurts more: (a) Jameer Nelson, the 2004 Draft Night loser who slid down to pick #20 after GMs raised concerns about his height, or (b) Raptor fans, who have subsequently watched Nelson blossom in Orlando knowing Rob Babcock had the point guard ranked higher than his “more-NBA-ready" pick Rafael Araujo.

Either way, we’re installing minimum height restriction barriers and re-decorating the Visitor Locker Room to look like the NBA Draft Green Room for the Magic’s next visit to the ACC on February 7th.

Raptorphernalia: Miami Heat

The Flagrancy has written at length regarding the contentious relationship between the Toronto Raptors and Alonzo Mourning's kidney.  Yet it still stings us like unfiltered waste excreted through the urinary tract whenever we see Zo parade around the league as its selfless warrior.

So the next time the Heat visit the ACC, remind The Ultimate Renal Warrior how he turned his back on his NBA contract, by turning your back on him--wearing our new Raptorphernalia double-sided t-shirt.

Raptorphernalia: Charlotte Bobcats

When Adam Morrison made his home debut in a Bobcats uniform, he was given a heroes welcome.  But like every hero, Morrison has a weakness: persistent hyperglycemia.  So like Lex Luthor, General Zod, and Spin Doctors, The Flagrancy is providing Raptor fans with a pocket full of diabetic kryptonite for when Ammo hits the ACC—Maple Syrup Gatorade.  One slurp of this sugary Canadian export and the glucose level in Morrison’s blood will fluctuate as wildly as his field goal percentage.       

C’mon, insulin was discovered in Toronto by Banting and Best—Morrison will appreciate the irony.  Eventually.

Raptorphernalia: Atlanta Hawks

Raptorphernalia has, to date, proven to be as popular with readers as a Mo Pete kissing booth.  But alas, The Blue Baller will not be deterred.  If The Flagrancy has to force this phenomenon down the throats of Raptor fans like Kobe Bryant at a Colorado resort, so be it. 

It is in this spirit of tough-love that we begin our coverage of the Southeast Division, starting with the Atlanta Hawks.  Do not let the fact that the Raptors have dropped two straight early season games to this team confuse anything; this no-Chris Paul picking, no-home crowd attending, ownership suing, swingman-only roster signing, tragedy of an NBA club is the one consistent reason why the Raptors have not been the most embarrassing franchise in the league for the past 7 years.

Billy Knight, with our new Hawks hoodie—we thank you.