The Flagrancy

Nesterovic Trade Renders Globe Reporter Completely Stupid

Hey there, it's B-Huge while I welcome Mr.Nesterovic to Toronto and hope he does well I'm not going to openly gush about this trade just yet.  I'm not about to issue any preposterous statements such as this from Robert MacLeod of The Globe & Mail:

"And now the trade for Nesterovic provides the Raptors with their first legitimate centre since Eric Montross played for Toronto in 2001-02."

How wrong is this statement?  Let me count the ways...

1. MacLeod is assuming that Nesterovic is a legitimate centre.  Now, he is 7 feet tall and plays centre.  I cannot deny those facts but the Raptors have had plenty of guys that tall who have played centre in the past 5 years.  Nesterovic averaged 4.5 points and 3.9 rebounds in 18.9 minutes last season.  The much-maligned Rafael Araujo averaged 2.3 points and 2.8 rebounds in 11.6 minutes last season.  I don't see too much of a difference besides the sheer amount of booing Araujo received from the crowd.

2. MacLeod is assuming that Eric Montross was a legitimate centre.  In 2001-02 Eric Montross averaged 2.4 points and 2.9 rebounds in 13.4 minutes per game.  Apparently Raptor fans should have been jumping for joy because Araujo was giving us Montross-like numbers.  If Montross was a legitimate centre then Araujo certainly is too.

3. The Raptors had no one playing centre from 2001-02 until yesterday's trade.  Hello!  Antonio Davis seemed to fill the role quite well.  I'm not sure what definition of "legitimate centre" MacLeod is using.  No matter how often Davis cried about not being a centre, he was the Raptors' centre while he was here and he did a pretty good job.  Actually, Davis remains the best centre to ever play for the Raptors.  Sure Davis wasn't 7 feet tall but neither is Ben Wallace and nobody thinks that he isn't a legitimate centre.

4. Hakeem Olajuwon played centre for the Raptors in 2001-02.  He averaged 7.1 points and 6.0 rebounds that year in just 22.6 minutes per game.  But the memory of Eric Montross's awesome season is what stood out in 2001-02 for MacLeod.

5. Loren Woods averaged 2.3 points and 4.1 rebounds in 12 minutes last season.  He was giving us Montross-like numbers too!  Had the Raptor fans known we had two Montross-like legitimate centres on our team last year we might have been quite a bit more disappointed with our win total.  How come Coach Mitchell wasn't fired?  How can a team with TWO Eric Montross-like players not make the playoffs?

Besides, we all know the Raptors last legitimate centre was Nate Huffman.

The EuroPlan: REDUX

Hey Colangelo, You Got Served.

June 13, 2006

Criminal Court of Canada
Province of Ontario District

Bryan Colangelo, General Manager of the Toronto Raptors
- Defendant

v.
The Blue Baller, Genius
- Plaintiff

Re: Unauthorized Use of Intellectual Property (Canadian Copyright Act)

Dear Sir:

We are litigation counsel for The Blue Baller.  This is a legal notice directed to Bryan Colangelo (referred to as “You”) regarding theft of intellectual property owned by our client (“The EuroPlan”).  The purpose of this document is to put You on notice that further use of The EuroPlan will constitute a violation of the Canadian Copyright Act, and will expose You and those acting in concert with You to immediate legal action for recovery of substantial monetary damages.  Our client explains:

I’ll take it from here, Colangelo.  Who needs a goddamn lawyer when I’ve got a case more clear-cut than the R-Kelly sex trial.  Only this time, The Blue Baller is getting the face full of urine.  Exactly two years ago, I published my vision for the evolution of the Toronto Raptors, a manifesto I called “The EuroPlan”.  I believe you are familiar with it.  I believe this because for the last four months, you have followed it word-for-glorious-word!  Your tactics may be different, but The Baller put the ‘Blue’ in your franchise blueprint.

Exhibit A: Hiring of Maurizio Gherardini
Key to the The EuroPlan was hiring a good man on the ground; someone with strong local contacts, a keen eye for talent, and a feel for the European game.  In April 2004, I suggested Sacramento’s Euro-Centric Assistant GM Wayne Cooper.  You, Colangelo, took my idea to the extreme by hiring the head of European powerhouse Benetton.  At first, this move struck me as highly unusual.  While I appreciate Benetton’s commitment to raising awareness of controversial social issues, I did not see how provocative advertisements featuring AIDS patients and Sub-Saharan Africans in brightly coloured sweaters would benefit my cause.  Then I looked closer, and…well played Colangelo, well played.  Hiring a highly regarded Italian GM who “owns Europe” will only benefit The EuroPlan, and it seems to be paying quick dividends.  I can only assume that Gherardini’s Old World Italian ways were behind the team’s unexpected luck in winning the 1st pick in the draft.  My guess is Russ Granick woke up in bed on Draft Day with a severed velociraptor head.

Exhibit B: The Andrea Bargnani Circus
The second tenant of The EuroPlan was raising the profile of Toronto and the Raptors as an attractive destination for European players.  I initially proposed a PR campaign involving Herbie Kuhn and Chuck Swirsky handing out old JYD jerseys to tall kids in Belgrade, but again, You have placed your own twist on my ingenious plan.  See, I know full well that it doesn’t matter one canolli if you select Andrea Bargani or Tony Danza with the top-pick.  The fact that You have used this opportunity to glorify a young Italian prodigy has sent notice to the Euroleague that Toronto is THE place for European players.  But the froth on the cappuccino was sending your two top men across the pond to build buzz—Wayne Embry, to glad-hand local players, and Sam Mitchell, to learn some measure of cultural sensitivity.  And Colangelo: if Sam starts griping about being sent over to Europe to shmooze, tell him he should be grateful I didn’t publish my initial manifesto: The HomoPlan. 

Exhibit C: Euros, Euros, Euros!
The final and most obvious piece to The EuroPlan was filling the roster with nicotine-craving Campari drinkers.  And what do I see when I read the papers?  A future backcourt of Roko Ukic and Jose Calderon, and trade rumours for Spaniard Pau Gasol.  Back in 2004 I pined for “a racial mongrel of a roster that looked like it was plucked from the Scarborough Town Centre food court”, well now we’re one signature away from Jorge Garbajosa—I’m convinced this guy once served me a goddamn Cin-i-bon!  And Colangelo, if I had any lingering doubts about you horking my plan, they were quickly laid to rest when I heard about these new Raptor jerseys.  My moles inform me that the new design will incorporate a smaller font to accommodate longer last names, and have a looser cut to allow your new European players to easily strip them off after they score a fieldGOOAALLL! 

You know what Colangelo, I think I’m actually going to give you a pass, this time. While I object to you stealing my plan without any prior consultation, I am frankly impressed with the level of vigor and flair you have shown throughout its implementation.  But Colangelo, heed this as a warning: from Toronto, Amsterdam, or beyond the grave, the single unblinking eye of The Blue Baller is watching You.

- The Blue Baller

Araujo Trade Baffles Raptor Fans

Just who the hell do they boo now?

The Toronto Raptors traded much-maligned center Rafael Araujo yesterday.  Local fans were bewildered at the news.

"Wait a second, someone actually traded for Araujo?" asked a stupified Tim Dolan, 31 of Toronto, upon being informed of the trade.  "Really, they actually got 2 players for him?  You are fucking shitting me."

When told of the trade George Dillon, 24 of Etobicoke, expressed his doubts, "Get the fuck outta here!  How many practice balls did we get for him?"

But some hardcore fans did make attempts at rationalizing this turn of events.

"I guess Jerry Sloan misses Greg Ostertag already.  Maybe that's why Utah traded two guys for him.  Jerry needs some big oaf to bitch at in order to make himself happy," explained Kyle Brown, 26 of Scarborough.  "Of course, I'd hate to be Kris Humphries or Robert Whaley.  They have to go around believing that they are only worth half of Araujo.  Man, that's gotta suck."

Raptors GM Bryan Colangelo has already been awarded the 2007 NBA Executive of the Year.  Upon touching the trophy it immediately turned into solid gold.