The Flagrancy: Raptors Trade Rose, Metric System

All Torontonians to Adopt Texas Accents As Part of Deal

The Toronto Raptors announced they have acquired former Raptors centre/forward Antonio Davis from the New York Knicks in exchange for guard/forward Jalen Rose, Denver’s first-round draft pick in the 2006 NBA Draft and an undisclosed amount of cash.

Knowing that Davis has reservations with his children being reared in a foreign country during his previous stint with the Raptors, the franchise also managed to throw the metric system and forced bilingualism into the deal. Children in Manhattan must now learn French starting in third grade and the New York State Transportation Department is already at work converting all of their road signs from miles to kilometres.

"This is probably one of the strangest trades in NBA history," admitted Raptor interim GM Wayne Embry. "But this is something we needed to do to ensure Antonio Davis's services. His interior defense will really help us in the short term and in the long term we don't have to shell out 17 million big ones."

MLSE President Richard Peddie went on to praise the people of Alberta for making this trade happen. "Without Stephen Harper in the Prime Minister's Office I'm not sure that we can pull this deal off. Thankfully he agreed to give up French and the metric system. We're still working on outlawing abortion, reversing gay marriage and adding the death penalty but those are less of a concern for Antonio."

This is the second trade that's been made since former Raptor GM Rob Babcock was fired last Thursday but Embry maintained that this trade would have gone down with or without Babcock. "We've been talking about this with Isiah for a long time. We's been working to show Antonio we were serious about making Toronto just like America for many months now. Once we dumped all those cheap guns into the community last summer we knew we could pull this off," added Peddie.

Despite a franchise and a nation bending over backwards for him, Davis worries too much may have been given up for him. "Canada kept free health care, right?" was the first thing Davis asked us upon returning our inquiries for an interview. When informed that Canada would indeed be keeping a socialized health care system for the time being Davis added, "Whew! That includes mental health stuff too, I hope, because I'm kind of counting on that for my wife."