The Flagrancy

The Passion of the Chuck

Homer.  Mouthpiece.  Company Man.  These are but a few of the blasphemous names used to describe the voice of the Raptors, Chuck Swirsky.  As the team *ahem* struggles this season, it has become fashionable to dismiss the omnipresent Swirsky as a histrionic PR-machine for MLSE; an entertaining character who constantly sells the Raptors, refusing to criticize his collective bosses by criticizing their team.

Now The Swirsk is too proud and professional a man to step down from his pulpit and wade into the swamp to sling mud with these nay-saying Philistines.  The Blue Baller is not.  So to all of you disbelievers who call yourself Raptor fans, orient yourself South to basketball Mecca and bow down with your godless brothers in Madison Square Gardens—there are 70 unused John Starks throwback jerseys waiting for you!

To say that Chuck Swirsky refuses to criticize the Raptors, misses the real point.  The Swirsk does not defend the Raptors blindly, He plays the thankless role of The Angel’s Advocate; a martyr who stimulates righteous debate by taking a fervently optimistic perspective, asking: “But what if things do go exactly right, what then?”  There is a difference.  The Swirsk absolutely recognizes the basketball sins that are taking place before His eyes, but just stop for a moment and imagine a world where He slips into the Dark Side:

“Well we’re 2 minutes into the first and Araujo has just picked up his 3rd foul. He takes a seat next to a sleeping Jalen Rose, and in comes Charlie V—another player Deadman Walking reached for in the draft.  Charlie inbounds the ball to Calderon who is yelling instructions at his teammates, none of whom seem to understand a goddamn word he is saying.  Jose drives and kicks the ball out to Joey Graham on the perimeter who looks like he is going to wet his pants at the prospect of dribbling.  He wisely passes the ball into the post, and Bosh scores the bucket, cutting the Piston’s lead to 18.  Do that while you can Joey, CB4 is CB-Gone next year.  Book it.”

Take it from the author of The Tournament of Assholes and the All-Herpes Team, it is much more godly and challenging to be positive than it is to be negative.  [Flagrancy Editor’s Note: slanderous and spiteful are perfectly ok, too.]

For you infidels who complain The Swirsk’s commentary is too over the top and distracts from watching a game, may I suggest you turn down the volume.  May I also suggest you scratch your eyes out of your heathen heads.  If you can not appreciate listing to The Swirsk speak in tongues about the Raptors, you do not deserve audio, or the gift of sight.  In sports broadcasting, like religion, nothing great is ever accomplished without enthusiasm.  And for the Swirsk, the Raptors cup genuinely spilleth over. 

For The Blue Baller, the experience of watching The Game and listening to The Swirsk’s gospel are so intertwined that they can not be separated.  When I was but an OT-3 Level Raptor fan, I used to ridicule those followers who would watch the game from the stands while listening to The Word of The Swirsk on Canada 3000 earphones.  I recant brothers, I now see you are enlightened!

So the next time one of you pagans hear Leo Rautins griping about not passing the ball into the post, or Jack Armstrong shrugging off another Raptor loss, remember The Passion of The Chuck.  In fact, when my balls turn from blue to black, and finally to dust, I want them shot out of a cannon at centre court of the ACC, with Chuck Swirsky blessing the whole event, dedicating the blast to some 13-year old Raptor fan who may be watching in Penetanguishene. 

See, true Raptor fans have braved fire and brimstone for this team; watching players quit and refuse to report, GMs squander draft picks and botch trades, Rod Black.  But through it all, there has been a single bright light in our collective horizon: The Swirsk.  For true believers, He is not the team’s voice, He is the team’s soul.

Booketh.

Feliz Navidad

El Magnifico Chris Bosh did not ask for victory over Detroit Pistons as a Christmas gift.  That would be a waste.  Victory is already assured so why would El Magnifico waste Papa Noel's time?

Now I, Uno of Los Ballers Azul -- The Greatest Masked Mexican Basketballers of All-Time, will not waste your time.  Here is weekly notes.

Weekly Notes

• Stromile Swift: 2 points, 3 rebounds.  Next Los Ballers Azul prediction: Carroll Dawson will not win NBA Executive of the Year.
• Least surprising news story of the week: El Mo is playing better on the road!  Guess what? This whole team plays better on the road.
• By the way, RaptorBlog had this story a day before the Star and the Sun went with it. Props to RaptorBlog.
• To paraphrase Coach Mitchell, "Raptors lose: Team is young.  Raptors win: Coach Mitchell is genius."
• At least La Flor Jalen Rose has stopped totally sucking in the past week.
• As much as I enjoy Senor Jose's game, that 16% shooting from 3-point land really needs to improve.
• Jalen Rose, Chris Bosh and El Calvo Charlie Villanueva combined to shoot 6 for 15 from the foul line versus San Antonio.  75% foul shooting is all they needed to beat the Spurs.
• For those of you who missed The Flagrancy Christmas party please see photo above for proof of Los Ballers Azul's Latin studliness.

Raptor Management Still Pursuing Un-Youth Movement

The Toronto Raptors added former Purdue University coach Gene Keady to the coaching staff to move up to the NBA standard of 4 assistant coaches.  So far so good but considering that the Raptors have just 6 wins so far this season why stop at 4 assistants?  Surely there must be more coaching legends sitting at home listening to their wives harangue them about mowing the lawn and dreaming about getting back in the game.  The Dallas Mavericks at one time employed 12 assistants so The Flagrancy presents a list of 8 more people the Raptors should be pursuing to achieve further basketball greatness.

Red Auerbach -- Head Coach, Boston Celtics (1950-1966)
The Raptors are sure to get better just by having this legend sitting on the bench.  Why?  Because no one wants to sit next to a cantankerous old man who chain-smokes stinky cigars and thus all the players will try harder to earn their playing time.

Dean Smith -- Head Coach, University of North Carolina (1961-1997)
Famed for being the only man who held Michael Jordan to under 20 points per game the Raptors hope he can do the same to Allen Iverson, Andre Iguodala or whomever the Raptors happen to be playing.

John Chaney -- Head Coach, Temple University (1982-present)
Although most famous for teaching Rick Brunson everything he knows about basketball, Chaney also made headlines for busting in on a post-game press conference to threaten the life of John Calipari.  John Calipari is indeed a jerk and so are plenty of NBA coaches so Chaney would be a good intimidation factor for the Raptors to have.  You can't zen away a physical throttling, Phil Jackson!  John Chaney is gonna kick yo ass!

Ken Reeves -- Head Coach, Carver High (1979-1981)
It's no secret that the Raptors are a young team and no coach would be better at helping these young men learn about life than Ken Reeves.  Ken Reeves has seen it all -- street gangs, pregnant cheerleaders, illiteracy, sexually transmitted diseases, hustlers, slutty white girls (this is starting to sound like Shawn Kemp's resumé) -- and will help guide the young Raptors into adulthood.  Hiring Reeves might also be financially rewarding as some sort of product tie-in can be organized for the release of "White Shadow: Season 2" on DVD.

James Naismith -- Phys. Ed. instructor, Springfield College (1890-95)
Career Highlight: Invented game of basketball.  Although dead for 66 years it's suspected that Naismith still knows more about the game than Coach Mitchell.  ZING!

Mr. Fuji -- Manager, Tag Team Champion Demolition (1988)
Raptor commentator Jack Armstrong would like the team show more toughness and develop a mean streak.  Certainly the services of the devious Mr. Fuji would provide many underhanded ploys for the young Raptors to use.  Also, Mr. Fuji could use his cane to trip a fast-breaking opponent.

Lenny Wilkens -- Head Coach, Just about everywhere in NBA (75 BC-2005)
Hey, why not?  At least Raptor fans will someone else on the coaching staff to yell at instead of Coach Mitchell.

Larry Brown -- Head Coach, New York Knicks (2005-present)
The Knicks are 6-18 and the veterans of the team are about as disillusioned as they come meaning it's about time for another change of scenery for Larry Brown.  When contacted about joining the Raptors Larry Brown described it as his "other dream job."  Brown would bring discipline to the Raptors and help develop point guard Jose Calderon.  Most importantly Brown has extensive catheter experience so he could come in handy with all these old guys on the bench.

Trabajo del Equipo

To quote my old friend Tito Santana: "Arriba!!"

All it takes is 24 hours mis amigos.  On Monday morning many fans of Los Raptors include myself, Uno of Los Ballers Azul -- The Greatest Mexican Masked Basketballers of All-Time, were on the verge of desperation after the severe defeat to the Los Sies-ers.  Now we are all rejoicing after Los Raptors rebounded to vanquish El Magic!  Ha ha!  Take that El Franchise!

I have a trick for you to show your friends at home.  Here is how you make your own Steve Francis impression:

1. Dribble a basketball for 23 seconds.
2. Hoist shot.
3. Look around at everybody else and blame them.

Ha ha!  Los Raptors were impressive to watch on Monday night even without El Calvo Charlie Villanueva and Senor Jose.  La Flor Jalen Rose finally provided his clutch scoring and, of course, you cannot forget the contributions of El Mo -- two veterans leading the way.  Also, for those of you who think El Cohete Rojo Matt Bonner can do nothing but shoot I tell you to look at his line on this night.  Only 1 for 8 but he made two key defensive rebounds down the stretch to keep the Raptors in the game.

Los Ballers Azul know the value of teamwork as well.  In that spirit I turn el blog over to my good friend and valued teammate Dos for this week's predictions.

Yes, me Dos here.  Gracias.  Buenos dias.  Many times me believe that Chinese people are mucho wise.  Have many secrets like Calgon and Chicken Balls.  Yao Ming prove me right.  Yao Ming pretend he have injury this week so he no have to play against El Magnifico Chris Bosh.  Instead Dikembe Mutombo, Ryan Bowen and Juwan Howard must defend against El Magnifico.  Mutombo old!  Bowen awkward like drunken village goat!  Juwan crappy!  El Magnifico score many dunks. HA HA HA!  Rockets front-line resemble broken down fence.  It get in way but young dogs can easily jump over.

Stromile Swift can jump high.  Stromile Swift can run fast.  Stromile Swift can almost tie own shoes.  Maybe next year he get potty-trained too. HA HA HA!

Me keep hate for Tracy McGrady last.  He think he so good.  Even Él que paro win a playoff series in career and me hate Él que paro!  RAAAAWR!  Me hate both.  Me feel better when El Ojo Perezoso gives up trying to score because El Mo provide lock-down defense.  Me predict by end of first quarter McGrady ask to be traded to another team because clearly he cannot win on this night either.

Me respect San Antonio, site of famous Mexican victory over stupid white men who wanted to perserve slavery. HA HA HA!  Uno lend me history book!  Remember the Alamo!  Remember slaves!  Los Raptors have many players who not like slavery so Los Raptors shall crush San Antonio.  Perhaps even make whiny Tim Duncan cry.  Oooo pooo pooo pooo me Tim Duncan, me greatest basketball player on Earth, me whine like baby at referee.  Me forget that teammate is dirty El Weasel Bruce Bowen.  When El Weasel cheat and not get called Whiny Baby Duncan forget to tell referee.  How is this so?

Hot Latina woman Eva Longoria love Tony Parker.  He not even African American!  He African French!  Eva need true stud Latino lover like Dos.  Not estupido shi-shi Frenchman.  Maybe Eva dump Tony Parker when she see manly Latinos on Los Raptors like El Calvo and Senor Jose.  Then Tony Parker cry in his baguette.  Me laugh mucho then.  HA HA HA!!

Dos on roll now. One more before pass back to Uno.

San Antonio have many players from foreign countries -- Manu Ginobli and Fabricio Oberto from Argentina, Rasto Nesterovic and Beno Udrih from Slovenia, Sean Marks from New Zealand, Tony Parker from France, Tim Duncan from Virgin Baby Islands and Robert Horry from Alabama.  HA HA HA!  Official language of Alabama is pig squeals.  HA HA HA!

Me give keyboard back to Uno now.  Adios, mis amigos!

Weekly Notes

• Los Raptors can claim to be best of the horrible in NBA East by owning wins against New Jersey, Charlotte, Atlanta and Orlando.  Look out Knicks!
• Raymond Felton played 13 minutes.  Jose Calderon played 43.  Senor Babcock, you are genius!
• Los Toros played about as terrible as a team could in the first half.  They still scored 51 points. I guess Coach Keady's defensive schemes aren't in place just yet.
• Tyson Chandler's recent respiratory problems are due to the debris in his beard.
• Golden State shot 17 of 29 from 3-point land.  That will never happen again. Ever.
• Golden State actually shot 17 of 26 when to throw out Mike Dunleavy's less than impressive 1 point, 1 assist, 0 rebound night.
• Andre Iguodala: 26 points, 6 consecutive dunks.  And Jack McCloskey is somehow still employed by Los Raptors?  Can we finally stop pinning the Araujo pick on Senor Babcock?  If anything blame Pillsbury Peddie for taking his sweet ass time to hire a GM.
• Aaron Williams starts getting game time around the same time as the December 15th deadline frees up all the trade possibilities.  Coincidence?  Not according to Jack Armstrong.
• So far this season El Carnicero Rafael Araujo (6 foot 10) leads Jameer Nelson (6 foot when standing on a chair) in rebounding 64 to 58.  Nelson still leads the overall career rebounding total 251 to 249.
• Baby blue turtleneck and a blazer -- Senor Jose will be on the cover of GQ soon.

On White Women

By Charles Oakley

Oak here.  Yeah, that Oak—I ain’t go no where.  This tree’s got some roots boy, I’m still standing, just might be startin’ to sway a little bit.  I know I ain’t gettin’ any younger.  This chicken might’ve laid its last egg in the League, but it don’t mean it’s laid its last damn chickenhead.  I ain’t talking bout laying out bitches like Hill or McGinnis—I still throw bows and bloody fros of those punk-ass clowns—I’m talking bitches with pink toes and shaved ho’s.  That’s right, I’m talkin’ white women.  See, I don’t have them running legs to get up and down the floor no more like these kids today, but Oak knows more about what it takes to sex up a coal burning cracker than anyone in the NBA.  Real good too.  And since I got a few more rings around my trunk these days, I thought I’d pass along a few of my secrets to all you young brothers out there who might want do some snow flakin’,  Charles Oakley-style.

#1.  Remind her you’re black
Sound dumb?  Then you’re dumb, punk.  You probably don’t know polo from lolo, let alone what it takes to mash a fine European ho.  Listen here: at night, what does your white woman do when she goes on off to bed?  She closes her damn eyes is what.  That’s right, even when it’s nighttime your cracker wants it blacker.  And take it from Oak, you gotta be midnight.  This ain’t so much for when you first start hittin’ them lily skins—I’ll get to that—it’s for when she starts getting all comfortable, coming with that “aren’t we all just the same” shit.  Take if from Oak, when she starts in on that, you remind her what time it is: “Ain’t only one of us here that can scare the hell out of old white women, like yo mama…”  She’ll love yo ass for it. 

Secret #2.  Remind her she’s white
After you wear this white dicksock a few times, she’s gonna start thinking she’s all down.  Happens every the time.  First she’ll start flipping to BET, then she’ll start singing along to your rap joints, next she’ll be talking all black poli-tricks.  Listen, you can burn up a marshmallow, but it don’t make it chocolate—it’s just crusty.  So when she goes from Gap to Sean Jean, take Oak’s advice: bust a nut on that high-water booty, and tell her to clean it up—you always wanted a white maid.   

Secret #3.  Wear fur
Touch is one powerful-ass sensation.  And touching fur?  That shit is like Caucasian crack for any sorority-bred white girl.  See, all these chickens have grown up wanting to wear one, but they’re too damn afraid.  If Tiffany goes off to the mall wearing some mink that’s whiter than she is, she’s gotta watch out for some crazy-ass red paint attack, but when I wear one at my car wash, all I get is white women to mack straight on Oak’s chocolate ball sack.  The secret?  Let her rub all up on you and that damn fur, but when she asks to wear it, don’t let her.  Ever.

There’s the secrets boy, it’s up to you now.  See, all these honkey ho’s want to get down and dirty with a brother, so you just got to work that balance of telling her she’s bad, while letting her know you the baddest.  And I should know.  No one’s badder than Oak.

Sam Mitchell Assigned To NBDL

Arkansas Rolls Out Welcome Mat, Tractors

The Toronto Raptors announced Tuesday they have assigned second-year head coach Sam Mitchell  to the Arkansas RimRockers of the NBA Development League.  As a head coach with less than two years experience Mitchell is eligible to join the RimRockers without being waived by the Raptors.

“We feel this is a great opportunity for Sam to get some valuable coaching time,” said Raptors General Manager Rob Babcock. “Now that we have a veteran like Gene Keady on the bench Sam might not get enough coaching time to really progress into a better coach.  This will give him game-experience that he might not have been able to get in Toronto.”

Raptor player Pape Sow has been in NBDL for almost a month and it has been his success as well as his personal improvement that gave the organization the idea to try the same thing with Mitchell.

"Sure, Pape really opened our eyes as to the advantages of developing our talent in the D-League," said Senior Basketball advisor Wayne Embry. "Pape is averaging 21 points and 12 rebounds per game down there.  We figure that Sam can probably make the same improvement in his coaching."

Embry went on to explain that the organization hasn't set any goals for Mitchell while he's in the NBDL but once the requisite improvement has been made Mitchell will be back on the sideline in Toronto.

"I'm not going to beat around the bush.  We're expecting miracles.  If Pape can average 21 points then Sam can learn to coach defense," claimed Embry. "We're not expecting him to come back to Toronto and be a Larry Brown or Gregg Popovich but he can at give us a Scott Skiles or at least -- at least -- Terry Stotts.  Or maybe Stan Van Gundy.  Uhhh...  perhaps I've said too much."

Una Semana de la Motivación

Ever since I, Uno of Los Ballers Azul The Greatest Masked Mexican Basketballers of All-Time, have started writing el blog in support of Los Raptors, our sworn enemy El Diablo Blanco has kept quiet.  I think he fears Los Ballers Azul.  This week he tried to get on our good side by writing about Él que paró.  It was a cheap journalistic trick.  Bah, many have written bad things about Él que paró before and many will write bad things about Él que paró til eternity.  It does not take a fancy job at a "legitimate news source" to do that.  El Diablo Blanco I know you are our there lurking waiting for another Raptor to tear down.  Perhaps La Flor Jalen Rose will be next, or maybe you'll make fun of El Carnicero again.  Los Ballers Azul will be ready El Diablo Blanco.  We are always aware of the traitors on our midst.

Speaking of traitors Los Ballers Azul have noticed Los Raptors seem to play best against those that have betrayed them.  A victory over El Zo, a victory over Él que paró and a victory over John Thomas.  While El Pene John Thomas did not actually betray Los Raptors I bring him up as a motivational tool sometimes while dominating La Liga Estupenda back home in Mexico Los Ballers Azul would get bored winning all the time but El Amo would use such motivational ideas to help us keep our fire for the game.  One time El Amo told Dos that all of the players on Los Burros Poderosos had sex with his mother the night before.  He may have had to serve a 20-game suspension for ripping the arm off of an opponent but his intensity helped the rest of the team to handily defest Los Burros on that night.

So in El Blog this week I will not only use my typical intimidation tactics on the opponents of Los Raptors but I will also include some motivation for Los Leones Jóvenes.  Coach Mitchell, I allow you to use these motivations as well.  They might particularly help during halftime instead of the usual nap time you give the team.  If Coach Mitchell is uncomfortable using our material then Los Ballers Azul is always available to come into the dressing room and address the team ourselves.  It would be an honour.  Maybe we should get some courtside seats too so that we can cheer during the game.  After all El Diablo Blanco is always sitting right next to the court.  We will gladly take his spot and if he wants to write bad things about Los Raptors he can go sit in the Sprite Zone where his flesh can be torn by the true crazy Raptor fans.

Tonight Los Raptors face Los Gatos de Bob of Charlotte the team of the hated Kareem Rush!  Why do Los Raptors hate Kareem Rush?  Because every time they see him they are reminded of El Perezoso Chris Jefferies!  With that motivation Los Gatos de Bob had better be prepared for a sound thrashing.  I suspect that El Calvo Charlie Villanueva will dominate the court as he will be matched up against El Tubbo Sean May.  It is a good thing you have a fat ass El Tubbo as you will find yourself landing on it many times as dunks fly down upon you.  You will provide good cushioning for Emeka Okafor when he falls down right after you.  Okafor will say, "Even more comfortable than a bean bag chair this El Tubbo is!"

Los Raptors get some much needed rest as they do not play until Wednesday when they meet Los Toros.  I hope the city of Toronto will survive during that time off as Los Raptors will surely be barely containing their rage at another betrayer.  Yes, I speak of Chris Duhon!  Like a sissy girl who kisses another boy just to get attention from her boyfriend is this Duhon.  Tal embromar!  Such a tease!  Los Ballers Azul truly did have Los Balls Azul when Duhon went back to Chicago.  He is not a man.  I speak directly to you muchacha Duhon -- Did not Senor Babcock "demuéstrele el dinero?"  It was not El Reinsdorf who did.  No!  If you were el hombre verdadero you would have refused El Reinsdorf to show you loyalty to those to believed in you.  Bah!  How can you be a tri-captain of Los Toros?  Why should anybody follow your treacherous ways?  You are not a leader (or is that tri-leader?).  You will just go wherever somebody pulls out their wallets.  Many times Los Ballers Azul were offered cash and whores to join other teams but we spit on their offers since money cannot buy you basketall greatness and we already had many women begging at our feet.  And now who is El Puta, Senorita Duhon?

The rest of Los Toros will be treated like whores as well.  Unspeakable acts will be committed against them.  Orifices will be violated on this night I can assure you.  There will also be a few slaps and some beatings and perhaps Los Raptors will make Los Toros call them daddy.  Senor Swirsky might have a heart attack while calling the game.  I suspect Jack Armstrong will enjoy it.

I now turn my attention to Golden State and another Los Raptors target...  um...  ahh...  Andris Biedrins!  Bah!  He is from Latvia!  Los Raptors hate Latvians!

No, that's not going to work.  How about Adonal Foyle?  Yes, Los Raptors hate Adonal Foyle and his big bloated contract that every journeyman player aspires to, like winning the lottery.  Bah, that is not going to work either.

Wait, I just heard this from a friend of mine: All of the Golden State Warriors fucked the mother of El Magnifico Chris Bosh!  Revenge su madre El Magnifico!  Destroy them!  Foul hard every time Jason Richardson drives.  Swat away Troy Murphy's weak post moves.  Punch Baron Davis right in the gut when no referee is looking.  Summon the spirit of Oakley on this night!

Weekly Notes:

• If Los Toros' lawyers are planning on sending another letter, please use a spell-checker this time.
• Little did we know that the Raptors were promoting Kevin O'Neill night against the Grizzlies.
• A good reason not to employ a 6 foot 7 "point guard" is that sometimes their feet are too big.
• How big are Chris Paul's feet anyway?  And the Hornets are paying him how much?
• Don't worry Hawks fans, Marvin Williams' 2 points almost got them a victory.
• La Flor certainly took advantage of being back in the starting line-up by shooting 2 for 8 against Los Nets.
• Él que paró may not have been decapitated as predicted but at least he was de-ankle-inized.
• I think La Flor is better coming off the bench.  He improved to 2 for 7 against Los Wiz.
• What hurts more, Gilbert Arenas scoring 37 or Brendan Haywood scoring 8?
• In a battle of big stars El Magnifico and Kobe tried to out-assist each other.
• Am I the only one who was disappointed that during Luke Walton's post-game interview that he didn't say the words "terrible" or "horrible?"

Buenos Dias, Me Dos.

Me Dos.  Me of Los Ballers Azul.  Most time friend Uno writes Los Blog but today me give mucho special blog just for Los Raps against Lakers.  Me hate Lakers mucho.  Many times me hate them.  Me hate all Lakers and Lakers fans.  Me think Matt Damon should win Oscar not Jack Nicholson.

On this night Raptors smash Lakers.  Smash them good.  Smash Smush.  HA HA HA Dos make fun.  Maybe me get own website too.

Kobe Bryant is estupido.  He think he so good.  He steal hot latina from me.  Me love Vanessa.  Me kill Kobe.  Me hope someday some big guy bend Kobe over and do things he no like.  Some guy like El Carnicera.  Then Vanessa come back to me.

Phil Jackson, me laugh at you.  You may have many millions of pesos but now you are loser.  Loser you.  Los Ballers Azul never lose because we play with heart and not loco mind games.  Me have a book you can read Phil Jackson.  Me wrote it for you.  It called "You are loser, El Stupido Phil Jackson."

HA HA HA.  Me like doing el blog.  Kwame Brown now.

Back home in Mexico, La Liga Estupenda not keep track of turnovers.  We keep track of kwames.  Friend Uno has assist to kwame ratio of 1000 to 1.

HA HA HA

Okay, me done now.  Press save.