The Flagrancy

Pacific Division Preview

PREDICTION
1. Phoenix Suns
2. Sacramento Kings
3. Los Angeles Lakers
4. Golden State Warriors
5. Los Angeles Clippers

Phoenix Suns
Last year’s near-Cinderella team underwent a surprising makeover this off-season, as Jerry Colangelo exchanged offense for defense in an attempt to push the Suns into the NBA Finals.  And who can blame him after watching his team lose to the Spurs.  To call Quentin Richardson a shrinking violet in that series is just a tad understated, more like a loose scrotum in an ice bath.  So out with Q-Rich and Joe Johnson, and in with Raja Bell, Brian Grant, and Kurt “all my passes are look-away passes” Thomas.  Next off-season, I hope the pendulum swings back and stops in such a way that Jerry is not interested in either offence or defense, and the Raptors can finally trade Jalen Rose.

So far, with Amare out and a bunch of new faces in the lineup, the Suns are playing so-so with a few flashes of last year's brilliant offensive play lead by, who else—Steve Nash.  Seriously, is there another player in the league that makes his teammates look as good as Nash?  I’m going to start calling him Beer Goggles.  Don’t believe me?  Boris Diaw is now a triple-double threat.  I think 70 cents of every dollar Joe Johnson earns from the Hawks this season should be deposited straight into Captain Canada’s PC Financial account.

A prediction?  It all depends on Amare.  If he’s healthy by January, the Suns win another game in the Western Finals.  If he doesn’t fully recover, he’s on his way to Sean Kempsville and the franchise can start digging itself out of a 7-year hole.

Sacramento Kings
After contending for the Championship for five straight years with their trademark slick-passing-free-flowing offence, the Sacramento Kings—like Chris Webber, and for that matter Corey Haim—are but a shadow of their former selves.  The departure of Webber, Bobby Jackson, and particularly Vlade Divac has left this team with an almost intramural feel.  And to think it was only three short years ago that the Kings boasted the starting backcourt from The Blue Baller’s All Kind-of-White Team.

But I do expect the Kings to remain competitive this year, with the infusion of some new talent.  The Kings drafted a nice player in long-bomber Francisco Garcia.  Plus they made a few other curious additions, at least from a chemistry standpoint.  First, Shareef Abdur-Rahim, NBA gentleman and finalist for the league’s Fanny Mae Community Service Award.  Second, Bonzi Wells: asshole.

And speaking of Reef, is anyone else curious about New Jersey Nets physicals?  I have an image of Rod Thorn standing over an MRI machine with infrared goggles and a rubber glove.  “Yes, as a matter of fact I do have my whole fist in there Tractor!”

Sorry Sacramento, no more cowbell.

Los Angeles Lakers
Let’s see, this off-season the Lakers picked up Smush Parker, Laron Profit, Aaron McKie…what else….hmmm….ahhhh…oh, Phil Jackson is back. 

One-year after insulting the intelligence of Mitch Kupchak for trading Shaq, calling Kobe “a callous gun for hire” in a tell-all autobiography, and practically being run out of town by his future father-in-law, Phil Jackson is somehow back to coaching the Lakers.  I still can’t fathom the deciding conversation between the Zen Master and his spiritual advisor during his year-off traveling the world…

Phil: I’m thinking about going back to LA to coach Kobe and the Lakers
LA-Llama: Once burned, a bridge can not be crossed
Phil: But the team is actually not that bad, plus my girlfriend Jeannie is there
LA-Llama: Physical cravings can cloud the judgment of even the most pious man
Phil: They’re offering me over ten millions dollars a season
LA-Llama: That’s a lot of cheddar

That’s right, Big Chief Triangle is officially a sell-out, and I actually don’t think this team is going to be better for it.  They do have a pair of good front-court prospects in Andrew Bynum and Kwame Brown (who is who is 60 days or one more DUI charge away from officially moving from ‘prospect’ to ‘bust’) and a clean Lamar Odom, but I still don’t like this team.  Any structure and coordination that Jackson will attempt to instill into the offense will quickly deteriorate into Kobe and a bunch of role players.  Granted, calling someone a role-player on a team with Kobe Bryant seems a tad redundant.

Also count on more Phil and Kobe drama.  Only this time the Shaq-less Lakers are not on the grand NBA stage, they’re straight to video.

Golden State Warriors
With the late last season addition of Baron Davis, the Warriors have remade themselves into a more confident and explosive offensive team that should easily make the playoffs.  I’m actually expecting a season similar to the Sonics last year, with a great record, a short stint in the playoffs, and head coach Chuck Woolery walking out the door. 

Again like the Sonics, the problem for the Warriors is inside.  In fact, I don’t know whose interior defense would be easier to penetrate in San Francisco: Mike Montgomery’s, or a Castro District street walker’s.  Any game against a team with a frontline anchored by Adonal Foyle is a stat-stuffer for an opponent over 6-7, and there are a few pretty good ones in the Western Conference.

As an aside, now that Beyond the Glory has become so popular, the producers are really starting to drop their standards.  This is great news for The Blue Baller, because now I am able watch episodes like the latest installment: a full hour of Manute Bol.  Turns out that while Manute was with the Warriors, he and a newly sober Chris Mullin bonded tremendously in Oakland.  So much so that the 7-7 Dinka tribesman called his son Chris.  Chris Bol.  Fucking television gold.

Los Angeles Clippers
Bold prediction: the Clippers are going to take this season by storm and jump out to lead the Pacific Conference under the surprising leadership of new point guard Sam Cassell!  Ahh, the benefits of writing a preview 15 games into the season.

While I am surprised, I’ll be downright shocked if the season goes another 15 games without E.T. getting cranky about his contract and bringing down the entire team’s playoff aspirations with him.  I actually hope this doesn’t happen, because the Clippers finally have some good pieces in place.  Brand, Magette, and Mobley are all solid, but this team has never had that point guard in place to really make the offence gel.  Hopes are high that Livingston is the guy, but until he proves he can recover from broken wind, this team is floating without an oar.  But let’s face it, what do you expect when you let Rick Brunson walk out your door?

El Camino Duro

By Los Ballers Azul

In my native Mexico there is a saying about the weatherman: "El meteorólogo nunca tiene razón."  The weatherman is never right.  I guess I am a much better basketball player that weatherman, si?  As I am one of the greatest masked Mexican basketballers ever, how could I not be?  I don't have many convertibles in my garage and many young women screaming my name for nothing.  Although under this mask I am quite the diablo hermoso.

Still it was un camino duro for Los Raps last week.  It was just as hard for fans of Los Raps such as Dos and myself too.  We had to stay up past our bedtimes just to see Los Raps falter in the end.  They had leads in late in each of those games in Phoenix, LA and Sacramento.  They were only a few plays away from coming home with 3 victories.  Then last night's thriller against the mighty Dallas Mavericks!  That one hurt me inside like a knife-edge chop to the heart.  A big win against Dallas would have shown those sissy ESPN Power Rankings losers something.  If we ever meet Marc Stein, prepare for a beating the likes of which you have never felt in your short pampered life.  Your flesh shall feel the hot sting of my hands.

But what could help Los Leones Jóvenes win more of these tough games at the end?  Hmmm... even my rhetorical questions are as confounding as my legendary basketball skills.  Well, even this Raptor fan must admit that La Flor Jalen Rose must get his ass in gear.  But sometimes these things happen to even the greatest of players.  Yes, I speak of a slump.  Los Ballers Azul have slumped in our storied careers even while dominating La Liga Estupenda de Mexico.  We made sure to remember what made us great players in the first place.  Go back to basics.  In the case of Los Ballers Azul it meant crisp chest passes and sweet two-handed set shots.  La Flor is a very passionate player.  Perhaps he needs to remember that this is a game he loves very much and he's being paid a lot to entertain the fans.  If he doesn't find his passion, maybe he'll soon find himself only playing in the driveway of his mansion where nobody will call his name and shout their adulation.

La Flor isn't the only problem.  Los Ballers Azul know the value of good teamwork.  Not just the players on the floor but the whole roster.  There were times that in order to gain an advantage over our competitors (especially Los Burros Poderosos of Guadalajuara) Los Ballers subsitituted players that gave us better match-ups.  For example, when we required some defence we put a good defender in the game.  When we required offence we put a player who was a very good shooter in.  Many times we made these substitutions quite frequently much like tagging in and out of an especially entertaining bout of luche libre!  But I am just a humble player of basketball, not as wise as Coach Mitchell who undoubtably earned his Masters of Coaching from some prestigious school.

Let us turn our attention to the future.  El pasado es viejo, as they say.  Tomorrow Los Raptors shall defeat the Memphis Grizzlies.  I shall not dance around it.  We shall crush them.  They may have Mighty Mouse but we have Speedy Gonzales!  Jose Calderon shall easily weave through the Memphis defence like blood running through my fingers.  Pau Gasol may think he looks like a big scary bear with his beard but such hair can slow a man down!  El Calvo Charlie Villaneuva is a sleek, frictionless basketball machine who shall slam many balls down upon Gasol's stickman arms.  There is no doubt that Los Raptors will abase El Grizz.  Look up that verb, Mr. Smarty-Man Battier!

The next victory for Los Raptors will happen against Atlanta.  Surely, scientists can come up with better competition than this.  If you were going to clone a good basketball team why not a team full of Larry Birds or Magic Johnsons?  Instead the Atlanta Hawks field a team of Nick Andersons.  This may be going out on a limb but I believe El Magnifico Chris Bosh might beat Wilt Chamberlain's scoring record on this very night!  A point for every Hawk fan in the building!  Maybe even 103!

After being Atlanta's worst visitors since the Union Army (Los Ballers Azul have studied history you simple-minded fools!) Los Raptors then have a showdown versus Él que paró.  His true name shall never be written in El Blog de Los Ballers Azul.  He is not worthy of it.  He shall only be known as Él que paró.  And on this night it shall not be any different for Él que paró than any other night -- he will shoot lame jumpers, he will whine, he will grab various injured body parts.  Oh yeah, there will be something a bit different: he will be decapitated!  We should all fully expect El Carnicero Rafael Araujo to send the head of Él que paró rolling back down the court the first time he dares enter the lane.  If you become horrified by what you see remember that I warned you now and you have no one to blame but yourself.  That includes you Él que paró!  And your mother, Ella que sofoca, too!

Due to the sudden decapitation of Él que paró Los Raptors will have it even easier in their next game.  Not that they wouldn't humble Los Wiz within a few minutes of play but now I suggest Los Wiz might want to even forfeit this game since they will be without Antawn Jamison who will be home crying like a big sissy boy over his friend Él que paró.  Senor Jamison, do not cry over him.  Even a worthless piece of trash such as him has been given a glorious death.  You should thank El Carnicero for giving your friend an honour he does not deserve.

Without the presence of Senor Jamison, Los Wiz will be as soft as Brendan Haywood.  Coach Eddie Jordan would do better to employ a baby's bottom and a roll of Charmin to patrol the paint.  I hear Coach Mitchell will start a kitten at power forward on this evening to take advantage of the match-up against Haywood.  The final score should be somewhere around 145 to 16 -- only because Los Raps will take it easy during garbage time.

So you see my fellow fans, Los Raptors will soon be on a nice winning streak and we can all celebrate the death of Él que paró at the same time.  It shall be a glorious week!

Weekly Notes:

• Even the most sloppily played games are made interesting by the way Los Suns play.
• Los Raptors took 19 more shots than Los Clippers (and lost).
• In the next game Los Raptors shot .512 and lost.
• On the final game of the road trip Los Raptors finally put it all together -- sloppy play, terrible shooting, terrible defence -- for a truly spectacular loss.
• Remember when we thought El Carnicero could be the next Brad Miller? Brad Miller's line versus Los Raptors: 16 points, 8 rebounds, 8 assists.
• El Carnicero has 2 assists so far this year.

Keady-Mania Sweeps Toronto

Rautins-mania Sweeps Gym Floor

The Toronto basketball community is abuzz with excitement over the possible arrival of NCAA coaching legend Gene Keady.  Keady retired from coaching Purdue University after 25 years last spring.  while his teams never won an NCAA Championship he was named National Coach of the Year six times and won over 500 games in his career.

Wayne Embry, Senior Basketball Advisor of the Toronto Raptors, initiated contact several weeks ago with by contacting Keady via telephone.  Since then the recruiting process has been thrown into high gear.  Keady was flown in to Toronto and given a tour of the Air Canada Centre.

In order to capture the essence of the franchise Raptor alumni and front office staffers re-enacted many of the fine moments in Raptors history:  Charles Oakley threatening Tyrone Hill, Rob Babcock selecting Rafael Araujo,  Alvin Robertson strangling a girlfriend,  Butch Carter trying to pry the microphone away from Embry and take over the proceedings, Vincenzo Esposito throwing passses into the stands, Kenny Anderson refusing to show up, Dell Curry's kids putting on a 3-point shooting show and Michael Stewart just sitting there.

At the end of the night, Embry unveiled the a comfortable chair on the Raptor's bench with Keady's name embossed on the back.  Coincidentally, the chair was located right over the shoulder of Coach Sam Mitchell's seat.

Keady has yet to declare his intentions publicly and will wait until he wraps up a vacation before doing so.  This has left the Raptors brass on edge and they have stepped up their efforts.  Richard Peddie is writing letters to Keady's mother to demonstrate what a stable environment he would be entering while Raptor SuperFan Nav Bahtia is preparing a special luxury Hyundai automobile as a gift.

Sources close to Keady say while he appreciates everything the Raptor Organization is doing for him he's going to hold out for "an all-night coke party and sex-a-thon just like the good old recruiting days at Purdue."  Industry insiders say the Raptors have managed to round up the cocaine but they have yet to find any of the Dance Pak willing to "sex Keady up."  Until then the Raptors front office live in fear of Atlanta and their built-in Gold Club advantage.

"We think Gene would be a great fit for the Raptors," claims Peddie, "He has all the experience we need and his opinion would be invaluable.  We haven't had someone this old on the bench since Lenny Wilkens left."

Raptor fans are full of hope that Keady can help turn the team around.  A man with this much experience might be the key to making Araujo less slow, not playing Matt Bonner during crucial defensive moments, and waking Jalen Rose the fuck up.

Shawn Bradley A Success in World of Fashion

Only outweighs Kate Moss by 5 Pounds

When the door closed on Shawn Bradley's NBA career this summer, you could be forgiven if you expected never to hear from him again.  As a humble Mormon it was expected he'd turn to farming in his home state of Utah.  However, Bradley has turned the fashion world on its head with the successful debut of his new line of men's clothing.

Fashion was never more than just a passing interest to Bradley before a casual conversation this summer with another former NBA player sparked an idea.

"I was talking to Eric Montross and we were complaining to each other how hard it was to find clothes that fit our rather tall bodies, especially ones that fit into our personal styles," recalls Bradley, "Then it hit me.  Why not start my own company to cater to others like Eric and myself?"

Bradley's clothing line enjoyed very modest sales early on due to the fact it had to cater to a niche market but soon the orders came flying in thanks to the NBA's newly installed player dress code.  When NBA Commissioner David Stern revealed the details of the dress code the orders for Bradley's "White & Tall" suits came in from all around the country.

"All NBA players need clothes that adhere to the dress code.  White & Tall just happenned to be in the right place at the right time," says Bradley, "When I first started up White & Tall I naturally expected some NBA players to be customers.  You know, guys like Greg Ostertag and Joel Pryzbilla.  Maybe even Eduardo Najera.  But when the the dress code was created suddenly the whole NBA was asking about White & Tall.  Well, everybody but Earl Boykins. Still we are the only clothing company that seems to offer clothing for tall people while simultaneously adhering to the NBA standards."

White & Tall offers suits ranging in hues from dark blue to navy blue.  Jackets are offered in 2 or 3 button configurations.  Patrons have a choice between pleated pants or flat-fronts.  That's about it but Bradley has grand plans to expand his business.  He adds, "We'll have a more casual line-up out next.  Probably some khakis and polo shirts.  We don't want to stray too far from the core values of White & Tall."

NBA players come in all sorts of extreme shapes and sizes.  Surely there must have been some tough orders to fill.

"Truth be told we've had some problems with orders for hefty guys like Jahidi White and Robert Traylor but we're going to spin off a new line tentaively called Big & Honkey that should be a success.  We're looking at getting an endorsement from Eddy Curry to launch that in the new year."

Those aren't the only big plans Bradley has in store.

"Since the NBA dress code has been so good to us we've tried to find more products that NBA players will enjoy wearing while not racking up fines.  I don't want to tip my hand too much but we've got what we think is a knockout idea.  I call it Invisi-Bling."

Gusto dulce de la victoria

By Los Ballers Azul

It is a buenos dias indeed, mis amigos.  We, Los Ballers Azul -- Mexico's greatest masked basketballers, are still celebrating the first of many victories for Los Raptors.  After a week of coming close Los Raptors found their corazon verdadero against the Miami Heat.  It was especially sweet to see Rafael Araujo -- El Carnicero -- play a smart game (well, smart for El Carnicero).  He may not have tasted the blood of Chris Webber as we had predicted but to confound Alonzo Mourning is even better!

Los Ballers Azul have placed the curse of the cupacabra upon you, Senor Zo.  You will never win an NBA championship.  Your nasty snarl cannot scare El Carnicero then why should it scare us.  Pump your fist up your own ass!

Brrrr!!  It is the first time we have experienced a taste of the Canadian weather in November.  Having grown up in the hot desert of Chihuahua the only snow we have ever seen were on the distant peaks of the Sierra Madre mountains.  Living in such a warm climate can make you soft and we are lucky that we subjected ourselves to the intense basketball training of our mentor El Amo in order to keep our bodies strong and our minds sharp.  Unfortunately the ballers of the southwest will not have the benefits of El Amo's dungeon when an arctic cold front sweeps through Arizona and California this week!

The Phoenix Suns will the first to taste the sting of the harsh wind from the north.  Steve Nash may be Canadian but he doesn't know about how cold it can get when El Constanto Mike James blows by him and his pretty Toro-cover hair-do.  Bah!  I am told by many here in Toronto that the winter in Vancouver is like that in my native Mexico.  Senor Nash and his sun-baked friends will cower from Los Raptors blizzard of offence!  It is a force so strong it will push Kurt Thomas's eye back into place!

The following night this perfect storm blows into Los Angeles.  The Clippers had better batten down the hatches before El Magnifico Chris Bosh battens down some dunks!  You think you are so smart Senor Cassell with your yappy mouth, don't you?  Los Raptors can talk too!  El Boca Jalen Rose will let you know something every time he scores and I have it on good authority that he will score a lot.  That howl you hear is not the wind whipping through your fancy Staples Center, Senor Sam.  It is your own wail of despair as you cry helplessly as El Boca destroys all who dare guard him!

Some people out there feel pity for Sacramento as this once daring and original team has fallen on bad times.  Los Ballers Azul do not believe in mercy!  It is a sign of weakness!  If you cannot crush those that are weak how can you hope to take down the strong?  It makes no sense.  The Kings of Sacramento are ants to be stepped on.

Fortunately, it will be all too easy for Los Raptors.  What kind of self-respecting team names a perennial loser as their captain?  On his first year on the team no less!  I hope the NBA's official basketballs are certified halal because Shareef Abdur-Rahim will be swallowing leather all night long as El Magnifico rejects each of his attempts.

After a full week of bashing the Western Conference Los Raptors might finally get tired in Golden State.  In a way victories can be just as draining as losses as the toll of your own perfection can weigh you down.  We have experienced it ourselves during our many Mexican basketball championships.  If Los Ballers Azul can impart one piece of advice to Los Raptors it is to pretend that with each victory you are eating the soul of your defeated opponent.  Absorbing the life force of your adversary is enough to energize you for a long season of victorious rampaging.  Sometimes Dos will physically tear the heart out of one of our enemies and eat it while it is still beating but that was only on rare occasions when he was feeling very tired.

These players in Golden State claim they are Warriors yet I do not detect the scars of battle upon them.  We think they are just a bunch of pretend Warriors with sissy names like Troy and Adonal and Baron and Calbert.  Their hearts are not even worth eating.  They probably taste like tofu.  I dismiss you Golden State Warriors.  Go home to your mommies and let men like Morris Peterson -- El Mo -- march to their victorious destiny unhindered by your simple-minded basketballing.  Let them march to the inevitable 73-9 final record.

Weekly Notes:
- Tel Aviv Maccabi can now claim to be better than the Miami Heat.
- Those of you who booed El Calvo Charlie Villanueva on draft night can now retract your resumes from any NBA GM jobs you were applying for -- 18 points, 6 boards, 4 steals versus Boston while Gerald Green sat and watched.
- Raptor opponents average nearly 30 points during the first quarter of last week's games, it's all a part of Coach Mitchell's Rope-A-Dope strategy.
- Andre Iguodala had 16 rebounds against the Raptors last week.  Rafael Araujo has 13 total rebounds this season.
- 10 games into Seattle's season and Rick Brunson has already accumulated 9 DNPs and fallen behind Mateen Cleaves on the depth chart.  Way to earn that guaranteed million!
- Now that the Raptors have won everyone can turn their attention back to what the mess that is the Atlanta Hawks.

Southeast Division Preview

PREDICTION
1. Miami Heat
2. Washington Wizards
3. Orlando Magic
4. Atlanta Hawks
5. Charlotte Bobcats

Welcome to the Southeast Division, where the Heat got busy and added a whole whack of new talent, and the rest…well, not so much.

Miami Heat
If there was any debate that Pat Riley wanted back behind the bench, it officially ended this off-season when he traded away key role players from a team that was one bad Dwayne Wade rib away from the NBA Finals for a pack of inconsolable assholes.  While he increased the team’s talent-level, poor Stan Van Gundy now finds himself with a locker room with Molotov Cocktail-like chemistry.  Not convinced Riley wants SVG out?  He’s talking to Latrell Sprewell.  Don’t worry Riles, SVG won’t get choked this year—he’ll slit his throat first.

As Cuban-esque as these off-season moves may seem, they would have been even more dramatic had Riley made them 3 years ago when almost all of these new Heat players were All-Stars.  But those are 3 long-ass years.  Antoine Walker, Jason Williams, and Gary Payton have slid from greatness to has-been status so quickly that they could be starring in an NBA version of The Surreal Life with bunkmates Penny Hardaway and Sam Cassell.

But if there is one team that these malcontents could conceivably submerge their egos, it is with the Heat.  Riley still has juice, Wade is a 1st tier NBA Star, and Shaq is, well, still Shaq.  Early indications point to the new teammates beginning to gel, with Shaq referring to his new point guard Jason Williams as “a hip hop Scott Skiles”.  Funny, because I always saw Shaq as a Bohemian Deacon Jones.

Washington Wizards
Despite his latest appearance on 60 Minutes, the Wizards finally managed to crawl out from under Michael Jordan’s shadow by improving by 20 wins last season.  Now the Wizz find themselves in that magically mediocre place in the NBA where they are good enough you have to respect them, but not good enough that you actually have to give a shit about them.

I actually expect about the same number of wins from the Wizz this season, despite some major changes in the roster.  Antonio Daniels and Caron Butler should fill up the offensive slack left by the departed Larry Hughes, and getting rid of Kwame Brown can only help team chemistry.  Poor Kwame.  He wore that “Former No. 1 Pick” label like a scarlet letter and was a constant reminder of those painful Jordan years while in Washington.  He turned into the equivalent of the Pink Elephant in the room for the Wizards, only this elephant was bigger, blacker, and couldn’t pass out of a double-team. 

But this is a legitimate playoff team.  A legitimate playoff team who’s one-two punch of Antawn Jamison and Gilbert Arenas will take on all comers in the first round, only to get their Atkins’ Chucked in the second.  I’m sorry, but I just don’t buy Arenas as a leader on a good playoff team.  He just reminds me too much of Steve Francis, if Steve Francis kept his goddamn mouth shut.

Thank God-Shamgod for the Wizznutzz, or this team wouldn’t have any personality at all.  And a tip for you readers who are starting their Christmas Shopping early, visit the Wizznutzz Trading Post—the ladies love Jahidi Floss.

Orlando Magic
The heart-warming storyline for the Magic this season is the franchise making reparations for its past sins by bringing back head coach Brian Hill.  If nostalgia plays well in Orlando, they might as well bring back Reggie Theus and Dave Corzine because that will be the only good news this season.

Well there is one lone bright spot: Dwight Howard.  This young big man has the frame, athleticism, and attitude to become a star—as early as this season.  And to think there were draft day whispers that teams were uncomfortable drafting Howard because his Christian beliefs may somehow negatively affect lockeroom chemistry.  Only in the NBA.  Look for Howard to average a double-double this season as the team starts to involve him more, particularly with Grant Hill out with a herniated ankle. 

The Magic actually tried to get Howard some help this year by drafting Spanish giant Fran Vasquez, only to have Vasquez refuse to leave Europe.  Apparently the notion of competing in the NBA was intimidating for Vasquez, as was the idea of leaving his girlfriend who apparently had his nuts firmly gripped in a pair of castanets.  Frustrated with the demands of pussy-whipped players, the Magic also bought out Doug Christie in August.

Ok, full disclosure.  If I sound overly negative regarding the Magic, it is because of Steve Francis.  There are few players that get under The Blue Baller’s foreskin worse than diva.  I remember one point last year where “Franchise” was reminiscing about being traded for Tracy McGrady.  Stevie!  You and half your goddamn team were traded for Tracy McGrady!  If this crybaby weeps after getting picked 2nd in the NBA draft and when his best friend gets traded, I can’t wait to see his reaction when this team drops 15 straight.  I hope he has nightmares of walking into GM Place, seeing Cuttino Mobley spooning Corey Magette, and David Stern booming a Vincent Price-style laugh over the whole Grizzly scene.

I said full disclosure.

Atlanta Hawks
Going into this off-season, the Hawks had compiled a promising group of young athletic players, all 6-8 swingmen.  During the off-season, the front office got busy by passing on a much-needed point guard in the draft in favour of a promising 6-8 athletic swingman, and then spending $70 million on yet another 6-8 swingman.  Welcome to the Atlanta, home of Billy Knight’s Clone Army. 

But that wasn’t the real story for the Hawks this off-season.  Attention Raptor Fans, there is an NBA head-office more embarrassing than your own!  That’s right, I refreshed my browser on CNN.com/Law all summer long to see if Karl Rove was going to prison or if Joe Johnson was going to Atlanta.  What a disgrace.  The franchise finally has some cap space, and like a drunk trying to spend his drink tickets at a cash bar, they go all Brewster’s Millions and throw it at Joe Johnson—the Ray Jackson of the Sun’s Fab Five.  And Steve Belkin, the one owner who actually sees the absurdity of this deal goes nuts and gets turfed.

Another loss for the Hawks this off-season, was Jason Collier, who was stiffer and whiter alive than he will be dead.  Oh fuck off, I know that was terrible!  This is a weblog, who invited you here anyway!  Just take solace in that wherever Collier is now, it is better than playing for the Hawks.

Forecast: Mostly cloudy with scattered highlights.

Charlotte Bobcats
“Brezec wins the tip and passes the ball to Brevin Knight.  Knight to Jumaine Jones with a kick-out to Keith Bogans for threeee!”  Yep, this will be the hardest working, shittiest team in the league again this year.

Viva El Blog de Los Ballers Azul!!

By Los Ballers Azul
Hola mis amigos!  Welcome to our blog.  I am Uno and my large silent friend here is Dos.  Together we are Los Ballers Azul, the greatest masked Mexican basketball players in the world!

In our home country we an reknowned throughout the land as heroes.  We fight injustice in all its forms.  We have been so successful in our struggle that we have needed to leave our native Mexico.  While we love our homeland we know that our work there is done and Mexican basketball is safe from those that would seek to harm it.  Now we turn our attention to the rest of the world where there is still plenty of evil against which to fight.

After reading many letters from our worldwide fans it became apparent that our powers were needed here in Toronto.  There is one here we call El Diablo Blanco who is the source of much of this unfairness and injustice.  El Diablo Blanco is not like our usual foes back in Mexico.  No, it would be easy to dispatch his weak playground moves on the court with our vaunted chest passes, unerring set shots and lightning-quick jab steps.  Unfortunately, the arena of battle is not the basketball court but the bloody fields of cyberspace!  The challenge is not physical but we must counter El Diablo Blanco with our minds.

This will be no easy task.  In our previous struggles we have always relied on our massive biceps and high-flying luche libre style but they are of no use to us in this situation.  We must fight El Diablo Blanco on his ground.  Only then will we be victorious over the one who calls himself Dave Feschuk.  Luckily, the fine people here at The Flagrancy have given us a home base from which we can counter El Diablo Blanco and his clever ways.  Muchos gracias, El Flagrancy!

Sadly Los Raptors have started the season with 5 straight losses.  This however was not unexpected.  Three of these five opponents made the playoffs last season (Washington, NJ, Detroit) and the other two are vastly improved (Cleveland, Utah).  In the off-season Los Raptors have also made a commitment to re-building.  They became much younger and as a consequence less experienced.  Three rookies are seeing major playing time along with two second-year players.  Still, Los Raps had a chance to win on opening night but due to a terrible indiscretion by the referees Los Raps were denied a victory.  Some may argue that Jalen Rose pushed off but clearly this move is legal.  Every Michael Jordan highlight package of the past 8 years has shown his Championship clinching shot against the Utah Jazz where he employed the same shove and shoot technique.  If only Senor Bavetta had referee'd on opening night Los Raps would not be in this winless position.

There is no reason to dwell on past losses as El Diablo would have you believe.  We have no use for his negativity!  Losing is an important part of winning.  Although we were blessed with advanced basketball skills early in our careers we suffered many defeats due to our inexperience.  Tough times like this are the crucible in which your passion for winning is forged.  A losing streak is just like the sleeper hold.  Even though your arm my drop several times you are still given many chances to raise it back up again and all you need to do raise it up once and you're back in the fight.  Soon after our early setbacks Los Ballers Azul went on to win many Mexican basketball league championship belts because we refused to lose.  You'll see it happen here in Toronto mis amigos.  Once Los Raptors taste sweet victory, they will never want to go hungry again!  It will all start today against Seattle.

Seattle is weak up the middle and Rashard Lewis has an ailing shoulder.  El Magnifico Chris Bosh shall have a tremendous game as he blows by their lead-footed defenders.  Hack away all you want Danny Fortson!  El Magnifico shall bury you with his eagle-eye foul shooting!  This is just the start of a fine week in the new careers of Los Raptors.

Tuesday and Wednesday are Los Raps' home and home series with Philadelphia.  Los Sixers shall not be spared and neither shall their fans.  Not only have Philadelphians booed Santa Claus in the past but they also had the contempt to boo Los Ballers Azul!  It was many years ago on one of our barnstorming tours of America but we shall never forget the humiliation.  Los Sixers may have all-star talent with Chris Webber and Allen Iverson but they are old and broken down.  We advise Los Leones Jóvenes -- Charlie Villanueva, Joey Graham, Jose Calderon -- to run wild!  While it is important to respect your elders there are times when you must take their throats in your jaws and crush them as a lion would a lame water buffalo.  Only then will you earn their respect.  We suspect Rafael Araujo will taste the blood of Webber on these nights.  I will ask him how it tastes to feast on the beloved of Philadelphia when he returns.

In the final game of the week Los Raps travel to Boston.  Los Celtics are young like Los Raps.  They have Paul Pierce, a crafty veteran, but El Boca Jalen Rose will counter him.  These are two evenly matched teams.  The difference will be the chip on Villanueva's shoulder.  Time and again he will see Celtics rookie Gerald Green sitting at the end of the bench and Villanueva will remember how Senor Babcock was treated for picking Villanueva in the draft.  El Calvo Villanueva shall play with anger in his heart which is good for anger stokes the fire of passion.  Gerald Green will sit and cry for his mommy by the end of the night as El Calvo scores from all over the court and show those desk jockeys at ESPN what they know about basketball.

Weekly Notes:
- Strangely Mo-Pete had his best game of the season so far on the road in Detroit.  I guess he bought a bigger suitcase this year so he could fit his game into it.  Maybe he got the ball bag Senor Babcock acquired in last year's Vince Carter trade.
- Milt Palacio was held to zero lay-up attempts.  That's a case of poor scouting.
- You will note from our photo that Los Ballers Azul will be adhering to the NBA dress code except when shiny tights and flashy capes are absolutely needed.
- If Los Ballers Azul were running the team we would have offered that nice award to Donyell Marshall and then smashed it over his head.  That would have been a better start to the game and perhaps given advantage to Los Raptors.
- Trivia question: What do Mehmet Okur, El Diablo Blanco and Bert all have in common? (HINT: It looks like a caterpillar that lives in the Mexican jungle.)

Southwest Division Preview

By B-Huge

Prediction
1. San Antonio Spurs
2. Dallas Mavericks
3. Houston Rockets
4. Memphis Grizzlies
5. Oklahoma City Hornets

The Southwest Division is a good representation of America where the rich get richer, the middle-class stay right where they are and the poor get plowed by a hurricane and re-located.

San Antonio Spurs
Now this just ain't fair.  Back in the Detroit Pistons' other glory days their championship teams had to deal with losing players to the expansion draft.  The NBA Champion San Antonio Spurs managed to get even better this summer by getting Nick Van Exel and Michael Finley on the cheap.  Argentinian star Fabricio Oberto is also coming to town.  I doubt anyone in San Antone will be missing Glenn Robinson or Tony Massenburg this season.

Of course, the addition of Brent Barry was supposed to guarantee a Spurs championship.  I realize that they did indeed win but Barry wasn't exactly a key cog in the mighty Spur machine.  These acquisitions however should have a much bigger impact.  First of all, the two veterans showed they were dying to win by playing for less money than was offered elsewhere and their desire should be enough to keep this team from resting on its laurels (as if Coach Popovich would have ever let that happen).  Secondly, in Van Exel they get a guard who doesn't lose his cool at crunch time and can make huge shots when called upon.  Oberto joins the front court and will allow Tim Duncan plenty of rest (and Robert Horry can pretty much fall asleep now and set his alarm for June).

Is there a chance it can all go wrong for the Spurs?  Sure.  Keep a close eye on Duncan's wonky ankles.  This team will remain dangerous without him during the regular season but if he's not healthy in April the Spurs will be in trouble.  Of course if Duncan's health is on the wane in February the Spurs can always count on Isiah Thomas gifting them a good player at the trade deadline in return for Rasto Nesterovic.

Uh, that last sentence wasn't supposed to be funny.

Dallas Mavericks
Something is wrong here.  The Mavericks are actually making NBA preview writers work this season.  Before all that needed to be done was rattle off a myriad of trades and free agent signings as the Mavs renovated their roster once again.  Sure they let Michael Finley go but that was a completely rational move and totally expected when you take into consideration Cuban's new financial restraint as evidenced by last season's departure of Steve Nash.

The only new player to the Mavs who should be a major factor is Doug Christie who won't totally replace Finley but is a solid pro who can D it up.  The Dallas franchise knows how to coddle a player better than any other team so they will definitely get more out of Christie than Orlando did.

This team could be a real sleeper (well relatively speaking).  For the first time in years the coaching staff doesn't have to integrate a whole slew of new players, and for the first time in years the head coach seems to know what he's doing in the defensive end.  I'll go on record saying that Don Nelson may have been the most over-rated coach of all-time.  In Big D, he just got lucky that he had an owner that could go out and buy talent.  Coach Johnson on the other hand knows how the game is played in the 00's (I really don't think Nelson learned anything about basketball beyond the 80's).

With the possibility of the Spurs coasting during the regular season while they feel out their new teammates and save themselves for the playoffs there is a solid chance that this Mavs team can win this division.  That will be important as whomever wins this division doesn't have to play the third place finisher in the Southwest in the first round.

Many reasons have been listed why this team might surprise some people this year but the biggest has yet to be discussed: the retirement of Shawn Bradley.  That's got to be worth something, right?  At the very least Shaq won't be interested in humiliating the Latter-Day Beanpole twice a year and two wins over Miami would go a long way in taking this division.

Houston Rockets
In Houston they are giving serious consideration to re-naming the team the Houston Robaxacets.  This is the NBA's all Bad-Back team.  Tracy McGreedy, Derek Anderson, Jon Barry and Bob Sura have all missed games in the past couple years due to back problems.  Juwan Howard has been breaking down recently, David Wesley is getting on in years and Dikembe Mutombo just signed an endorsement deal with Depends.  The Rockets may be the NBA's oldest team yet because they managed to add Stromile Swift everyone is predicting big things for this team.  Stromile Swift will grab rebounds.  Stromile Swift will run the floor.  Stromile Swift will block shots.  Why didn't he do all these things with such abandon while playing in Memphis?  Mark my words, Stromile Swift is the Brent Barry of this season.  He's a nice addition but he's not bringing all that much to the table.

While the Rockets became a force towards the tail end of the regular season last year they still managed to get embarrassed by the Mavs in Game 7 of their first round series.  Lest we not forget that Houston went into Dallas and won the first two games of the series as well.  The reality is that the Rockets ended the season on a 1-4 slide.  But, no, Stromile Swift is going to change all that.

This is, of course, a not-so-subtle reminder that McGreedy has yet to win a playoff series in his career.  Now this team is in the hands of Rafer Alston.  While you cannot fault Alston's heart it's pretty easy to find problems with his head.  The jury is still out on whether Alston's game translates into victories and his relationship with Coach Van Gundy will be the lynchpin of this team's success.  If Alston realizes his place in the pecking order and Van Gundy allows him some room to do his own thing, then this might work.  If Van Gundy tries to keep a tight leash on the offence or if Alston decides to play one-on-one all night then there might be some fisticuffs.  The good news for Alston is that he knows he can whup his new coach.

Memphis Grizzlies
The future of the Grizz is about as clear as the waters that run by the city of Memphis in the mighty Mississippi.  It's damn muddy.

Jerry West let a whole lot of talent walk out the door this summer but it was probably for the best.  They'll miss James Posey's defense but the locker room will be that much better without Jason Williams and Bonzi Wells.  Bobby Jackson, Eddie Jones and Damon Stoudamire will all provide veteran leadership and they can easily plug Hakim Warrick into Stromile Swift's role.

Unfortunately for the Grizz, they ended up treading water while a bunch of teams behind them got a whole lot better.  Still the departure of the talented head-cases means that Coach Fratello won't feel the need to go 10-deep every night and everyone will have a more defined role.  Unless Jake Tsakalidis suddenly sees more playing time, the Grizz are still severely undersized but that never stopped them from making the playoffs the past two years.  Just in case, I fully advocate the signing of Charles Oakley.  We need the Oakman back in the league and I can't think of a better place than Memphis.  He'd be a perfect fit.

Oakley would be a great enforcer for teams putting the beat-down on Pau Gasol.  He'd make sure Stoudamire didn't get back on the chronic.  The constant threat of violence is a very motivating factor.  He's not only good for the team but for the city as well.  He'd be a natural out there on Beale Street scaring the bejeezus out of tourists and taking that street back to its shady roots.

And if it looked like the Lakers or the Timberwolves were going to sneak by the Grizz and into the playoffs, he would have somebody killed.

<insert city name> Hornets
"It was the perfect storm.  We had three systems converge: the storm of an aging team; a storm of injuries.  And the other storm that was evolving, what we felt like, was not the right attitude.  They all converged upon us.  The season started that way.  We struggled early.  We weathered the storm and hopefully we came out with some hope." - Alan Bristow to Athlon Sports describing the New Orleans/Baton Rouge/Oklahoma City Hornets 2004/5 season.  Of course this was quoted before Katrina hit.

This team will set new records in bad.  Even Bill Walton will not have enough breath for all the r's in the terrible that this team represents.  A week before the season has started they gave up on it.  That's what trading your best big man for a first round pick and a shot-impaired swingman says to everyone else on the team.  Coupled with an 82-game road trip and a sudden reliance on Chris Andersen at center sportswriters around America are already salivating at the chance for this team to beat the 1973 Philly record for futility.  And yet, somehow the crew at ESPN.com are guessing this team will win 18 games and be better than the Toronto Raptors.

At least this team has one thing going for them: certain Rookie-of-the-Year Chris Paul.  Paul is the real deal.  Anybody who watched him in college should be baffled at how this guy not only dropped down to 4th in the draft.  It's baffling that Atlanta didn't get ripped for picking a player at a position they are already stacked at and passed up Paul and then turned around to give $70 million to Joe Johnson to play the point when he's not even a fucking point guard!  Let's not forget the two draft picks, Boris Diaw, and the farce surrounding their ownership consortium.  All that could have been avoided by drafting Paul.

Of course, I'm ranting about the wrong team for this preview but the Blue Baller got the luck of draw with that Southeast preview.  It's not getting better for this team either.  By trading Magloire to the Bucks they just insured the pick they are getting in return is not in the lottery.  The New Orleans arena may be ready to go next season but will the residents of the city be ready to shell out the cash to see them?  Or even care?  The only thing Coach Scott can do is pull a Reggie Dunlop and get his players believing they are going to Las Vegas next season (and really, that shouldn't be hard to do).  At least that will keep the locker room positive after getting pounded night after night.

Craplantic Division Preview

by B-Huge

Prediction
1. New Jersey Nets
2. Philadelphia 76ers
3. New York Knicks
4. Boston Celtics
5. Your Toronto Raptors

The worst division in basketball last season has made some moves to get better and it might actually approach mediocre this season.  Still, every team in the Central will finish ahead of the 76ers in the conference standings.  That's right only one team from this division will make the play-offs.  Unfortunately, it's the team with Vince Carter on it.

New Jersey Nets
Congratulations should go out to the 2005/6 Atlantic Division Champions, the New Jersey Nets!

This is by far the easiest prediction to make so let's take a quick look at what could possibly go wrong and de-rail the only half-decent team in this division from "earning" the 3rd seed in the East:
- Jason Kidd gets hit by lightning
- Lamond Murray and Jeff MacInnis compete in Locker Room Cancer competition
- Vince Carter decides to go for his Master's degree
- Cliff Robinson turns into dust
- Shareef Abdur-Rahim hires Jeff Gillooly to "show those fuckers in Jersey what a bum knee is."
- Billy King slips something into Gregg Popovich's wine and convinces him to take Steven Hunter in exchange for Tim Duncan
- Ticket sales go up, team chokes under pressure of stardom in New Jersey
- Richard Jefferson keeps forgetting that home games aren't in Brooklyn yet
- Brian Scalabrine and his giant MJ-like brain really was the key to their success
- Magical fairies turn Stephon Marbury into a pass-first point guard

Philadelphia 76ers
Allen Iverson is an all-world talent and plays his heart out in every game.  Chris Webber is still a stud even on one leg and is one of the best passing big-men in the league.  Samuel Dalembert is an energetic 7-footer who can run the floor and blocks shots.  Andre Iguodala is already a lock-down defender and is the one of the most athletic players in the game.  Kyle Korver  makes you pay for leaving him open in 3-point range and married Demi Moore over the summer.

Gee, looking at this starting five the 76ers might be pretty good this year.  Let's see how their second unit looks.

Steven Hunter is 7 feet tall and has both of his legs.  Kevin Ollie can dribble the ball with either hand.  Lee Nailon escaped New Orleans before Katrina hit.  John Salmons is toilet-trained.  Michael Bradley went to school in Philadelphia too.

This is what happens when you have two players making the maximum amount of money (Iverson, Webber) coupled with a couple other big-time contracts based on "upside" and not actual results (Dalembert, Korver).  Furthermore, Webber and Iverson aren't exactly the most durable players anymore and it looks like they will be required to play 42 minutes a game this season while hoisting up 80% of the team's shots (down from Iverson's usual 82%).  Yes, Kevin Ollie is about 6 weeks away from being a starter for an extended period of time.

Added to this delicate situation is that the team is now on its 5th coach in 3 years.  This time they hired Mo Cheeks who seemed to be hired just because he is an old-school 76er hero and AI likes him.  Was there anything outstanding about his coaching gig in Portland that made other teams clamour for his services?  Did they interview anybody else?  Who is making these decisions?

Oh yeah the same guy who gave a guaranteed contract to the undrafted Shavlik Randolph, the only white player in history not beloved by Duke fans.

New York Knicks
Jamal Crawford is a player that will never be a serious winner in this league.  The guy is a flat-out chucker.  He doesn't drive.  He doesn't pass.  He certainly doesn't play defense.  Was it any wonder that Chicago let the guy go cheap and then proceeded to have their best season since MJ?  Dirty Whore Coach already has urinary problems but after a few weeks of trying to coach this guy I think he might end up crapping his pants too.

But don't worry Knicks fans Crawford spent the off-season working on his defense.  Let that sink in.  After 5 years in the NBA Crawford finally got around to working on his defense.  Now that's one proactive motherfucker.  Considering Eddy Curry is one of Crawford's best friends Dirty Whore can rest assured that Curry will start working on his defense two seasons from now.  By that time Dirty Whore will be coaching his next dream job, the Las Vegas Hornets.

The Dirty Whore/Marbury combination is already a proven disaster as last summer's Olympic debacle will attest.  And all you Knick fans excited by Nate Robinson and Channing Frye's summer league results should remember that Dirty Whore nailed Lebron and Dwayne's asses to the bench during those same Olympic games.  Let us not forget where Darko has been for the past two years and Tayshaun Prince only got court time because Dirty Whore was forced into it.  Rookies don't play for Dirty Whore.  They must survive a 2-year hazing process first.

Of course this should piss off Isiah who managed to duplicate his Raptor drafts this past spring by picking a super-charged midget and a tall, gangly wuss.  Isiah's other moves include acquiring yet another swingman with nagging injuries, a man-child whose every game may be his last and the latest in a long line of soft-skulled big men who parlayed 2 weeks of hard work into a $30 million contract.  Was it any surprise that Jerome James showed up at camp 30 pounds overweight?

The bad news for Isiah is that if this team fails nobody is going to place the blame on Dirty Whore.  He's the game's greatest coach! Surely it was the crappy-ass team assembled for him that is at fault.  But surely, there must be some good news and there is: Writers of NBA satire sites are going to feast on the Knicks this year.  Thanks Isiah!  Thanks Dirty Whore!

Boston Celtics
This will be the tale of two seasons - the "Let's Showcase Paul Pierce" season followed by the "Young Core Gaining Experience For Next Season" season.  This would only make sense as Pierce hasn't looked happy in a couple of seasons and this team got younger, less experienced and therefore less likely to be in playoff contention in the off-season.  Pierce has got to be traded just to keep him from destroying the attitude of the team (and to package with that disastrous contract they gave Mark Blount last year). Of course the danger in trading Paul Pierce is that the player who becomes the respected veteran in the locker room is Ricky Davis.

Celtic fans did cartwheels when high-schooler Gerald Green dropped down to them in the draft but he's a guy who refused to play one-on-one during any pre-draft workouts and is missing part of one of his fingers.  Sure he threw down a couple of outstanding dunks in the summer league but please remind yourselves this is the same league where Lonny Baxter is a god.  By all accounts Green had no idea what he was doing out there.  There are good odds he'll start to understand the game right around the time he's eligible for free agency.

The good news for the Celtics is that they do have a great core of youngsters to look forward to in the coming years.  Al Jefferson is truly a gem.  Tony Allen will be a solid contributor as soon as he stops ordering friends to shoot people.  Delonte West knows how to play the game and Kendrick Perkins is starting to emerge as a solid rotation guy.   Unfortunately for Pierce, this team won't be ready now and until then it relies on Pierce, Davis, Raef LaFrentz and Dan Dickau -- all of whom fail to compare favourably with Bird, McHale, Parish & DJ.  At least they still have Danny Ainge.

Toronto Raptors
For some reason people are down on this Raptors team.  If you take a look at the players that have been shuffled in and out of the roster the only player Raptor fans will really end up missing is Donyell Marshall.  Alston may have been entertaining but it's never been determined if he ever really knew how games were won (by say, uh, playing defense or maybe shooting less).  Marshall brought rebounding and 3-point shooting to the table.  I should hope that Villanueva can replace the rebounding and he definitely has a more varied offensive game.  Unfortunately some noted surgeon hasn't found a way to sew Matt Bonner and Joey Graham together so we'd have a dynamite small forward at both ends of the court.

Mike James has the trust of Coach Mitchell and since it's quite possible that Mitchell knows more about basketball than the rest of us I'll trust this decision.  Not only that but the team saves about $16 million and the teachers of Ontario deserve to be happy.

That's not to say this team is playoff bound.  But I find it hard to believe that many are picking them to be the worst team in the NBA.  While they haven't improved, on paper, they haven't gotten any worse.  Does anybody see Charlotte winning more games than Toronto?  Or Portland? Or Oklahoma City?

Heh, heh, well, comparing the Raptors to the shittiest teams in the league surely isn't the most flattering thing of the franchise but at least Rob Babcock can claim he made the team younger and more cap friendly without a huge difference in talent.  Big picture people, remember that every with loss this year.

Everyone knows this team will not make the playoffs and for some reason Babcock gets ripped for being honest.  What the Raptors should do for all their fans who stick by them this year is somehow reward them for their loyalty.  Here it is Mr. Labumbard, your killer marketing gimmick - at the end of the season randomly select one season ticket holder to represent the Raptors at the NBA Draft Lottery.  Vacation in suburban New Jersey!  Enter the exciting world of Elgin Baylor!  Bump chests with Darius Miles!  Meet George Shinn!  You can't tell me that won't sell tickets.

Northwest Division Preview

By B-Huge

Prediction
1. Denver Nuggets
2. Utah Jazz
3. Seattle Supersonics
4. Minnesota Timberwolves
5. Portland Trailblazers

They might as well call this the Question Mark division.  Is Denver really as good as the last half-season would attest?  How much did Coach McMillan mean to Seattle?  Can a rookie point guard return the Jazz to the playoffs?  How long until Portland trades Darius Miles?  Is that how you really spell Tskitishvili?

Denver Nuggets
Talent-wise the Nuggets are the best team in the Northwest; there's no use in denying it.  The problem is that this team rarely does things that are expected of them.  Two seasons ago they were supposed to stink and they clawed their way into a playoff spot.  Last year was supposed to be a big leap forward but they ended up stinking early which got their coach Jeff Bezdelik fired.  Interim coach Michael Cooper didn't exactly inspire the troops and the team actually played worse.  Just when the Nuggets were written off last season Coach Karl took over and they became the hottest team over the second-half of the season, squeezed their way into the final playoff spot in the West and instantly became the team no one wanted to play.  What happened then?  The Spurs routed them in 5 games while Coach Karl cried about the officiating as Manu Ginobli literally ran them over.  So please excuse me if I offer a very guarded prediction about this group of misfits.

The talents of star forward Carmelo Anthony are undeniable but if the Nuggets are to succeed he's going to have to become a team player (i.e. learn how to pass to the open man).  Some defensive effort might help as well.  Anthony's attitude is questionable.  Not that he seems like a bad guy, it just feels like his heart isn't always in it and he definitely didn't respond well to the Dirty Whore's coaching style during the Olympics.  Coach Karl isn't much easier on his players but it looks as if Anthony has turned it around and is committed to winning.

The other problem this team has is the point guard situation.  This is a team built to run and, really, when a team has the built in advantage of playing a mile above sea level it should run and run some more.  Unfortunately, the Nuggets most talented point guard is Andre Miller, a guy whose pulse seems to operate at around 10 beats per minute.  Miller's best work happens in the half court; he's not a push-it-up-the-court kind of guy.  The guy who should be operating this team is Earl Boykins.  Unfortunately, Earl is somewhat of a defensive liability to do his height and I find that he sometimes shoots too much.  Still, he has regularly killed the Raptors no matter what team he's played on so who am I to pick on him.  The point guard situation gets muddier still when you consider that Denver spent $29 million in the off-season on free agent Earl Watson.  That's a lot of money for a guy who will start the season as the third point guard.  Neither Boykins nor Miller are shooting guard material and this team is dying for a long-range bomber to give Anthony and Kenyon Martin more room to operate down-low -- Greg Buckner and Voshon Lenard aren't scaring anybody.

Basically, the Nuggets are a trade away.  I'm not sure how it's going to work.  Obviously a point guard should be shipped out and a shooter brought.  I'm guessing Dirty Whore will be tired of Quentin Richardson's limitations right about mid-December so let's start an Andre Miller for Richardson rumour right now.  It even works according to the RealGM Trade Checker.  Sorry, Mr.Vecsey, I beat you to it.

Utah Jazz
Surely Greg Ostertag is the answer.  It all makes perfect sense.  Last season, Ostertag leaves and the Jazz suddenly suck.  Obviously, re-obtaining Ostertag was all they needed to do to get back into the playoffs.

Actually, no.

Andrei Kirilenko is the straw that stirs the non-alcoholic drink in Salt Lake City.  If he stays healthy this team will be far, far better than last season.  Utah busted out of the gates last year and then took a nosedive as soon as AK47 got hurt.  Once this team started sucking Carlos Boozer mailed it in (the only 18ppg/9rpg disappointment in NBA history) and Coach Sloan lost all confidence in any of his point guards, including one who single-handedly destroyed the American Olympic team.

This season Kirilenko is ready to play, Boozer is in far better shape than last year and  Coach Sloan has a hard-on for Deron Williams.  Williams can already play NBA defense but I'm just baffled he went ahead of Chris Paul in the draft.  You'd think Coach Sloan would just love a guy who would go so far as to punch a guy right in the balls to win a game.  He had noted cheap-shot artists Karl Malone and John Stockton for so many years that drafting Paul would be natural.

Despite being more offensively limited than Paul, Williams already plays NBA caliber defense.  While his offence lags some, that's probably a good thing as this means he'll look to pass first to the more established offensive threats like Kirilenko and Mehmet Okur.  Back point-guard Milt Palacio better quickly learn to pass first too because I'm certain Coach Sloan won't be as impressed with The Milt Palacio Missed Lay-Up Follies™ as I was.

Minnesota Timberwolves
Maybe one off-season it will finally sink in for Kevin Garnett.  Someday he might actually realize that his contract is killing this team.  Doesn't he see all the other players in the league sacrificing in order to win?  Shaq took a $5 million pay cut to help get more players for the Heat.  Both Michael Finley and Nick Van Exel spurned the Timberwolves to take less money and more wins in San Antonio.  Yet Garnett wonders what Minnesota management is doing to improve the team.  The owner has already broken the bargaining agreement in order to satisfy Garnett so he has nothing to really prove.  I hope Garnett can live with himself while Latrell Sprewell's family starves to death this year.

This year's version of the Timberwolves certainly isn't as talented as last year's.  Proof? Wally Szczerbiak went from being the 4th option to the 2nd option on offence over the summer.  But at least they might be more durable, less volatile (Rashad McCants notwithstanding) and definitely younger.  The Timberwolves problem is that their lack of draft picks over the past few years has really come back to haunt them as they are reduced to reclaiming other teams' flameouts for their youth movement like Nikoloz Tskitishvili and Ndudi Ebi.  Whoops!  The Timberwolves actually picked that guy.

The Timberwolves do seem set at point guard with Marko Jaric and Troy Hudson but Hudson hasn't been the most sturdy of players lately.  Current starting shooting guard Trenton Hassell can't shoot so Rashad McCants had better grow up really quick. Center duties will be shared by Michael Olowokandi and Michael Madsen once again.  No punchline needed for that one.

Still, the Wolves will be in the playoff mix because Garnett has the ability to carry them.  He might earn a ludicrous paycheck but no one can ever claim he doesn't work his ass off in the attempt at earning it.  Now if only he'd start listening to his heart more than listening to his wallet he'd really do himself a favour.

Seattle Supersonics
If is wasn't for Phoenix's regular season dominance Seattle would have been the surprise team of last season.  Few picked them to make the playoffs let alone winning 52 games and taking the division.  Then they put up a far better fight in the playoffs against San Antonio than anyone could have expected.  Yet, Coach McMillan couldn't get out of town fast enough.

Sure $6 million a year would make me back my bags too but there is a sneaking suspicion that McMillan had nowhere to go but down in Seattle if he stayed so he jumped to greener pastures.  There was no way Seattle would be able to retain all 7 of its free agents and this time everyone would be expecting them to put up another 50-win season in a division that is far stronger than last season would lead you to believe.

The key free agent returning to Seattle is Ray Allen.  Funnily enough, Allen had a resurgent year while playing for a new contract so it's probably not cynical to say that he's not going to give it that 110% this season.  Coach Weiss is keeping Allen happy by promising the team will run more but even though McMillan focused on defense more the Sonics were one of the worst defending and worst rebounding teams in the league.  If they start off poorly it will be fun to watch Vladimir Radmanovic try to fill up the stat-sheet as he plays for another (and much bigger) contract this season.  The end result is that Seattle will be fun to watch this season, but they won't win as many games.

Despite these problems kudos should go out to GM Rick Sund for managing to keep most of this team intact without a huge increase to the payroll but clearly the pressure got to him over the summer.  Not only did he become the first NBA GM to ever pick two Frenchmen in the same draft but he also became the first person to ever give a guaranteed contract to Rick Brunson.

Of course if you're ESPN writer Ric Bucher this contract was richly deserved by a hard-working guy.  Maybe Ric Bucher should go out and see how hard people work just to earn minimum wage.

Portland Trailblazers
The Portland Trailblazers are proof that a time machine will never be invented.  If so Paul Allen would have put his Scrooge McDuck-like fortune to work on somehow never giving Zach Randolph that big fat contract.  Perhaps Allen doesn't mind that the cornerstone of his franchise is a lazy bum, has the maturity level of a 13-year old and a brother who fires shots into crowds.  Allen also gave $6 million a year to a coach who had exactly one good season.

The Trailblazers shed a lot of salary and veterans in the off-season.  The most important one being Shareef Abdur-Rahim.  Not that I think Shareef is a bad player, in fact he may be the 2nd greatest player with a hyphenated Islamic last name in NBA history, but he just never plays on a good team.  No team that Shareef has played on been any good.  He's kind of like the Bizarro Horry.  (And what do you know, the Sacramento Kings get pasted by the Hornets on opening night.)

This purge was destined as soon as the Blazers selected Sebastian Telfair in last season's draft along with T.A.T.U. (you know, they're young, Russian, possibly gay).  With management practically writing off last season the players decided to as well.  Darius Miles openly shat on his coach.  Randolph got hurt.  The season's one true success story was the emergence of Joel Pryzbilla as a solid starting center.

This year's draft was no different as the Blazers took another high schooler with their top pick.  This means that 7 of the 15 players on the roster never spent a single day at university.  I fear for any team where Ruben Patterson is one of the enlightened players.

The most curious off-season move was the trade for rookie guard Jarrett Jack.  The Blazers already have their point guard of the future so why bring in another one?  Usually "thinking out of the box" is a good thing but I'm more agreeable to the conventional thinking that says you bring in a solid pro as a back-up to provide steady leadership.  Steve Blake isn't the answer here folks.  Portland is moving towards something like those post-MJ years in Chicago except they don't have 6 championships worth of goodwill to waste on the fans who have grown accustomed to special episodes of Cops dedicated to their favourite players.

Of course this unconventional thinking will also help eliminate the "Jailblazer" stereotype surrounding the team.  By drafting them young, their arrest records are sealed from the public.