The Flagrancy: El Camino Duro

By Los Ballers Azul

In my native Mexico there is a saying about the weatherman: "El meteorólogo nunca tiene razón." The weatherman is never right. I guess I am a much better basketball player that weatherman, si? As I am one of the greatest masked Mexican basketballers ever, how could I not be? I don't have many convertibles in my garage and many young women screaming my name for nothing. Although under this mask I am quite the diablo hermoso.

Still it was un camino duro for Los Raps last week. It was just as hard for fans of Los Raps such as Dos and myself too. We had to stay up past our bedtimes just to see Los Raps falter in the end. They had leads in late in each of those games in Phoenix, LA and Sacramento. They were only a few plays away from coming home with 3 victories. Then last night's thriller against the mighty Dallas Mavericks! That one hurt me inside like a knife-edge chop to the heart. A big win against Dallas would have shown those sissy ESPN Power Rankings losers something. If we ever meet Marc Stein, prepare for a beating the likes of which you have never felt in your short pampered life. Your flesh shall feel the hot sting of my hands.

But what could help Los Leones Jóvenes win more of these tough games at the end? Hmmm... even my rhetorical questions are as confounding as my legendary basketball skills. Well, even this Raptor fan must admit that La Flor Jalen Rose must get his ass in gear. But sometimes these things happen to even the greatest of players. Yes, I speak of a slump. Los Ballers Azul have slumped in our storied careers even while dominating La Liga Estupenda de Mexico. We made sure to remember what made us great players in the first place. Go back to basics. In the case of Los Ballers Azul it meant crisp chest passes and sweet two-handed set shots. La Flor is a very passionate player. Perhaps he needs to remember that this is a game he loves very much and he's being paid a lot to entertain the fans. If he doesn't find his passion, maybe he'll soon find himself only playing in the driveway of his mansion where nobody will call his name and shout their adulation.

La Flor isn't the only problem. Los Ballers Azul know the value of good teamwork. Not just the players on the floor but the whole roster. There were times that in order to gain an advantage over our competitors (especially Los Burros Poderosos of Guadalajuara) Los Ballers subsitituted players that gave us better match-ups. For example, when we required some defence we put a good defender in the game. When we required offence we put a player who was a very good shooter in. Many times we made these substitutions quite frequently much like tagging in and out of an especially entertaining bout of luche libre! But I am just a humble player of basketball, not as wise as Coach Mitchell who undoubtably earned his Masters of Coaching from some prestigious school.

Let us turn our attention to the future. El pasado es viejo, as they say. Tomorrow Los Raptors shall defeat the Memphis Grizzlies. I shall not dance around it. We shall crush them. They may have Mighty Mouse but we have Speedy Gonzales! Jose Calderon shall easily weave through the Memphis defence like blood running through my fingers. Pau Gasol may think he looks like a big scary bear with his beard but such hair can slow a man down! El Calvo Charlie Villaneuva is a sleek, frictionless basketball machine who shall slam many balls down upon Gasol's stickman arms. There is no doubt that Los Raptors will abase El Grizz. Look up that verb, Mr. Smarty-Man Battier!

The next victory for Los Raptors will happen against Atlanta. Surely, scientists can come up with better competition than this. If you were going to clone a good basketball team why not a team full of Larry Birds or Magic Johnsons? Instead the Atlanta Hawks field a team of Nick Andersons. This may be going out on a limb but I believe El Magnifico Chris Bosh might beat Wilt Chamberlain's scoring record on this very night! A point for every Hawk fan in the building! Maybe even 103!

After being Atlanta's worst visitors since the Union Army (Los Ballers Azul have studied history you simple-minded fools!) Los Raptors then have a showdown versus Él que paró. His true name shall never be written in El Blog de Los Ballers Azul. He is not worthy of it. He shall only be known as Él que paró. And on this night it shall not be any different for Él que paró than any other night -- he will shoot lame jumpers, he will whine, he will grab various injured body parts. Oh yeah, there will be something a bit different: he will be decapitated! We should all fully expect El Carnicero Rafael Araujo to send the head of Él que paró rolling back down the court the first time he dares enter the lane. If you become horrified by what you see remember that I warned you now and you have no one to blame but yourself. That includes you Él que paró! And your mother, Ella que sofoca, too!

Due to the sudden decapitation of Él que paró Los Raptors will have it even easier in their next game. Not that they wouldn't humble Los Wiz within a few minutes of play but now I suggest Los Wiz might want to even forfeit this game since they will be without Antawn Jamison who will be home crying like a big sissy boy over his friend Él que paró. Senor Jamison, do not cry over him. Even a worthless piece of trash such as him has been given a glorious death. You should thank El Carnicero for giving your friend an honour he does not deserve.

Without the presence of Senor Jamison, Los Wiz will be as soft as Brendan Haywood. Coach Eddie Jordan would do better to employ a baby's bottom and a roll of Charmin to patrol the paint. I hear Coach Mitchell will start a kitten at power forward on this evening to take advantage of the match-up against Haywood. The final score should be somewhere around 145 to 16 -- only because Los Raps will take it easy during garbage time.

So you see my fellow fans, Los Raptors will soon be on a nice winning streak and we can all celebrate the death of Él que paró at the same time. It shall be a glorious week!

Weekly Notes:

Even the most sloppily played games are made interesting by the way Los Suns play.
Los Raptors took 19 more shots than Los Clippers (and lost).
In the next game Los Raptors shot .512 and lost.
On the final game of the road trip Los Raptors finally put it all together -- sloppy play, terrible shooting, terrible defence -- for a truly spectacular loss.
Remember when we thought El Carnicero could be the next Brad Miller? Brad Miller's line versus Los Raptors: 16 points, 8 rebounds, 8 assists.
El Carnicero has 2 assists so far this year.

Comments

Great stuff, but can you cut the Los Baller Azul schtick? It gets old quickly. And your Spanish sucks.

And also: Pape Sow, 40 and 14. That's 40 points. About 38 points more than Hoffa's season totals. And yeah, he was playing against the Fort Worth Flyers, but them Flyers' D can't no worse than the Celtics', huh?

Posted by: Don Paco | November 30, 2005 at 05:52 AM

Of course my Spanish sucks! In my native Chihuahua I could only afford to attend the School of Hard-Knocks not a fancy prep school like Oak Hill Academy. I will work harder to earn your respect, mi amigo. Gracias for the "great stuff" part. I liked that.

Posted by: Uno of Los Ballers Azul, The Greatest Masked Mexican Basketballers of All-Time | November 30, 2005 at 12:42 PM