If the worth of a man is measured by the strength his word, John Salmons is in serious fucking debt. So when this slippery fish slithers his way back into the ACC, extract your pound of flesh with The Flagrancy’s new John Salmons home and away jerseys.
Forget the Suns lead the league in wins, this franchise is in trouble. Since Mike D’Antoni replaced Bryan Colangelo in 2006, the new Coach-GM has signed Marcus Banks, Jumaine Jones, and Jalen Rose; all of whom average less than 25 minutes of garbage time per game, combined. D’Antoni was left the keys to a finely tuned machine Colangelo masterfully constructed, and now he’s filling the motherfucker up with diesel.
So when the Suns visit the Raptors, remind the team that their stylish former GM is now assembling a winner in Toronto; fans who wear a classic Bryan Colangelo oversized open-neck collar will be given a free replica medallion of BC’s 2005 NBA Executive of the Year award.
Oh how the mighty—or, marketable—have fallen. The Warrior glory days of RUN TMC are but a distant memory, replaced by a countdown to Stephen Jackson’s next felony charge. So when Golden State comes to play, remind this classic treadmill team of the positive buzz coming from Toronto’s own RUN TMC of TJ, Mo, and Chris—and watch them choke like P.J. Carlisimo.
The muse of Raptorphernalia is pain. Psychological pain. The kind of pain caused by a reflective object—something that triggers a personal memory of weakness, of embarrassment, of humiliation. Normally, The Flagrancy inflicts this pain on opposing players. But when the Lakers next visit Toronto, the sights of Raptorphernalia will be sadistically set on Raptor fans. Because no pain is worse than the kind of pain of 01-22-06.
So wave your Kobe Bryant white flag, before Sam Mitchell does.
With Pau Gasol on the trading block and speculation that Orlando is looking to trade the rights to Fran Vasquez, Raptor fans are dangerously close to having to endure Chuck Swirsky nicknaming any possible Calderon/Garbajosa/Gasol or Calderon/Garbajosa/Vasquez combination as The Three Amigos.
The poor Sonics have a lot on their minds. Since Howard Schwartz sold the team to group of Oklahoma City investors, speculation has run wild regarding where the team might relocate. But rather than fan the flames of anxiety for these soon-to-be homeless multi-millionaires, The Flagrancy is taking a solution-oriented approach—with an invitation to move the team to Scarborough.
Why not? The franchise could swap Starbucks for Tim Hortons, the Space Needle for a distant view of the CN Tower, and the historical Pike Market for cozy charm of Galloway Road.
Deep in the Archives Room, Flagrancy research staff worked day and night attempting to piece together a connection between the Raptors and the Trailblazers. Finally, amid the flickering desklamps and coffee-ringed newspaper clippings, the answer appeared before our eyes (and our thighs): beaver. After all, the only person who loves beaver more than a pride-swollen Canadian is Zach Randolph, who recently allegedly paid $500 to throw his own beaver party in a hotel room. And you thought the Raptor Meet and Greet was a good time!
For the love of our fans and SFW porn, The Flagrancy has amended its publication schedule to bring readers a new Raptorphernalia item for tonight’s game against Rafael Araujo’s Utah Jazz. So how do you welcome back our giant Brazilian bust? With a giant Brazilian bra!
That’s right ladies, if you think you can fill out one of these valuable Raptor collector’s items, simply email your photo to firstname.lastname@example.org.
The Blue Baller will contact you to arrange a fitting.
You say too many bobble-head jokes? I say not enough!
Technically, the Flagrancy’s new Raptorphernalia item is a patent-protected ‘bobble-jaw’—the mouth doesn’t close, and it won’t shut up. Ever. See, this Mike James model is powered by the replenishable human resource of chronic insecurity. Want to silence your Amityville Horror doll? You’ll have to send him packing to Minnesota. Or the Bahamas.
“Now that we know who you are... I know who I am….I should've known way back when you know why David? Because of the kids! They called me Mr. Glass.” - Elijah Price, Unbreakable
Well the Raptors should’ve known who Cotton Camby was, before the team drafted the delicate Massachusetts Rose. To commemorate our former #2 pick’s return to a Toronto trainer’s room, The Flagrancy is offering readers Marcus Camby glass figurines. But don’t worry, they won’t chip—each statue will be individually wrapped in replica Butch Carter-Marcus Camby legal paperwork.