June 1995-November 1997: Raptors draft, sign, re-sign Oliver Miller
Now I know what you’re thinking. Here is yet another convenient opportunity for The Flagrancy to launch a barrage of cheap shots at the expense of a former Raptor. And let’s face it, who makes for a bigger target than the 300lb Oliver Miller? But no, attacking Miller’s much publicized weight problem is taking the easy way out—after all, he was overweight when the Raptors drafted, signed, and re-signed him during the mid-90s, and he was overweight when he left. The real dubious moment is the fact that this future Harlem Globetrotter was not only on the team, but in 1995 was its best frontcourt player.
So if you have come here looking for a bunch of cheap fat jokes, I am sorry my friend. You have come to the wrong place.
Fuck it, here’s 10:
- Oliver Miller was so fat that the free Pizza Pizza promotion was launched as a motivational tool
- Oliver Miller was so fat that the SkyDome mop boy used to scrape up his sweat using a gravy boat
- Oliver Miller was so fat that when Darryl Walker told him to haul his ass down the court, he would need to take two trips
- Oliver Miller was so fat that when he drove to the hoop, the lane would get stretch marks
- Oliver Miller was so fat that he had more Chins than a Yao Ming charity game
- Oliver Miller was so fat that when he’d bend over to pick up a loose ball, his ass would be called for out of bounds
- Oliver Miller was so fat that he’d draw charges using gravitational pull
- Oliver Miller was so fat that whenever he'd take a jump ball, he’d set off Willie Anderson's car alarm
- Oliver Miller was so fat that his Raptor players card says ‘picture continued on other side’
- Oliver Miller was so fat that when he set a high pick and roll, Damon Stoudamire would have to ask him for directions around his ass