July 2006: John Salmons backs out of deal
The Lord works in mysterious ways. For some, he is a confounding and unforgiving force of nature, randomly taking loved ones and triggering brutal natural disasters. For others, he provides the complete animus for how to live, and realize the meaning and beauty of life. For John Salmons, the Lord is an NBA player’s marketplace oracle—an all-knowing entity with peerless foresight into the inner-workings of front offices and the free-agent market. See, John Salmons’ God is a generous God; after the swingman verbally committed to a 5-year, $23 million sign-and-trade deal with the Raptors, God said “No. Not so fast John Salmons.” God then swooped in and presented a new contract from the Sacramento Kings, worth an extra $3 million.
Here’s hoping that extra money covers the dopamine blockers and taser charges Johnny will need to share a locker with Ron Artest. Enjoy Sac-town bitch, Fred Jones sends his love.