The Toronto Raptors added former Purdue University coach Gene Keady to the coaching staff to move up to the NBA standard of 4 assistant coaches. So far so good but considering that the Raptors have just 6 wins so far this season why stop at 4 assistants? Surely there must be more coaching legends sitting at home listening to their wives harangue them about mowing the lawn and dreaming about getting back in the game. The Dallas Mavericks at one time employed 12 assistants so The Flagrancy presents a list of 8 more people the Raptors should be pursuing to achieve further basketball greatness.
Red Auerbach -- Head Coach, Boston Celtics (1950-1966)
The Raptors are sure to get better just by having this legend sitting on the bench. Why? Because no one wants to sit next to a cantankerous old man who chain-smokes stinky cigars and thus all the players will try harder to earn their playing time.
Dean Smith -- Head Coach, University of North Carolina (1961-1997)
Famed for being the only man who held Michael Jordan to under 20 points per game the Raptors hope he can do the same to Allen Iverson, Andre Iguodala or whomever the Raptors happen to be playing.
John Chaney -- Head Coach, Temple University (1982-present)
Although most famous for teaching Rick Brunson everything he knows about basketball, Chaney also made headlines for busting in on a post-game press conference to threaten the life of John Calipari. John Calipari is indeed a jerk and so are plenty of NBA coaches so Chaney would be a good intimidation factor for the Raptors to have. You can't zen away a physical throttling, Phil Jackson! John Chaney is gonna kick yo ass!
Ken Reeves -- Head Coach, Carver High (1979-1981)
It's no secret that the Raptors are a young team and no coach would be better at helping these young men learn about life than Ken Reeves. Ken Reeves has seen it all -- street gangs, pregnant cheerleaders, illiteracy, sexually transmitted diseases, hustlers, slutty white girls (this is starting to sound like Shawn Kemp's resumé) -- and will help guide the young Raptors into adulthood. Hiring Reeves might also be financially rewarding as some sort of product tie-in can be organized for the release of "White Shadow: Season 2" on DVD.
James Naismith -- Phys. Ed. instructor, Springfield College (1890-95)
Career Highlight: Invented game of basketball. Although dead for 66 years it's suspected that Naismith still knows more about the game than Coach Mitchell. ZING!
Mr. Fuji -- Manager, Tag Team Champion Demolition (1988)
Raptor commentator Jack Armstrong would like the team show more toughness and develop a mean streak. Certainly the services of the devious Mr. Fuji would provide many underhanded ploys for the young Raptors to use. Also, Mr. Fuji could use his cane to trip a fast-breaking opponent.
Larry Brown -- Head Coach, New York Knicks (2005-present)
The Knicks are 6-18 and the veterans of the team are about as disillusioned as they come meaning it's about time for another change of scenery for Larry Brown. When contacted about joining the Raptors Larry Brown described it as his "other dream job." Brown would bring discipline to the Raptors and help develop point guard Jose Calderon. Most importantly Brown has extensive catheter experience so he could come in handy with all these old guys on the bench.