Rautins-mania Sweeps Gym Floor
The Toronto basketball community is abuzz with excitement over the possible arrival of NCAA coaching legend Gene Keady. Keady retired from coaching Purdue University after 25 years last spring. while his teams never won an NCAA Championship he was named National Coach of the Year six times and won over 500 games in his career.
Wayne Embry, Senior Basketball Advisor of the Toronto Raptors, initiated contact several weeks ago with by contacting Keady via telephone. Since then the recruiting process has been thrown into high gear. Keady was flown in to Toronto and given a tour of the Air Canada Centre.
In order to capture the essence of the franchise Raptor alumni and front office staffers re-enacted many of the fine moments in Raptors history: Charles Oakley threatening Tyrone Hill, Rob Babcock selecting Rafael Araujo, Alvin Robertson strangling a girlfriend, Butch Carter trying to pry the microphone away from Embry and take over the proceedings, Vincenzo Esposito throwing passses into the stands, Kenny Anderson refusing to show up, Dell Curry's kids putting on a 3-point shooting show and Michael Stewart just sitting there.
At the end of the night, Embry unveiled the a comfortable chair on the Raptor's bench with Keady's name embossed on the back. Coincidentally, the chair was located right over the shoulder of Coach Sam Mitchell's seat.
Keady has yet to declare his intentions publicly and will wait until he wraps up a vacation before doing so. This has left the Raptors brass on edge and they have stepped up their efforts. Richard Peddie is writing letters to Keady's mother to demonstrate what a stable environment he would be entering while Raptor SuperFan Nav Bahtia is preparing a special luxury Hyundai automobile as a gift.
Sources close to Keady say while he appreciates everything the Raptor Organization is doing for him he's going to hold out for "an all-night coke party and sex-a-thon just like the good old recruiting days at Purdue." Industry insiders say the Raptors have managed to round up the cocaine but they have yet to find any of the Dance Pak willing to "sex Keady up." Until then the Raptors front office live in fear of Atlanta and their built-in Gold Club advantage.
"We think Gene would be a great fit for the Raptors," claims Peddie, "He has all the experience we need and his opinion would be invaluable. We haven't had someone this old on the bench since Lenny Wilkens left."
Raptor fans are full of hope that Keady can help turn the team around. A man with this much experience might be the key to making Araujo less slow, not playing Matt Bonner during crucial defensive moments, and waking Jalen Rose the fuck up.