By Los Ballers Azul
It is a buenos dias indeed, mis amigos. We, Los Ballers Azul -- Mexico's greatest masked basketballers, are still celebrating the first of many victories for Los Raptors. After a week of coming close Los Raptors found their corazon verdadero against the Miami Heat. It was especially sweet to see Rafael Araujo -- El Carnicero -- play a smart game (well, smart for El Carnicero). He may not have tasted the blood of Chris Webber as we had predicted but to confound Alonzo Mourning is even better!
Los Ballers Azul have placed the curse of the cupacabra upon you, Senor Zo. You will never win an NBA championship. Your nasty snarl cannot scare El Carnicero then why should it scare us. Pump your fist up your own ass!
Brrrr!! It is the first time we have experienced a taste of the Canadian weather in November. Having grown up in the hot desert of Chihuahua the only snow we have ever seen were on the distant peaks of the Sierra Madre mountains. Living in such a warm climate can make you soft and we are lucky that we subjected ourselves to the intense basketball training of our mentor El Amo in order to keep our bodies strong and our minds sharp. Unfortunately the ballers of the southwest will not have the benefits of El Amo's dungeon when an arctic cold front sweeps through Arizona and California this week!
The Phoenix Suns will the first to taste the sting of the harsh wind from the north. Steve Nash may be Canadian but he doesn't know about how cold it can get when El Constanto Mike James blows by him and his pretty Toro-cover hair-do. Bah! I am told by many here in Toronto that the winter in Vancouver is like that in my native Mexico. Senor Nash and his sun-baked friends will cower from Los Raptors blizzard of offence! It is a force so strong it will push Kurt Thomas's eye back into place!
The following night this perfect storm blows into Los Angeles. The Clippers had better batten down the hatches before El Magnifico Chris Bosh battens down some dunks! You think you are so smart Senor Cassell with your yappy mouth, don't you? Los Raptors can talk too! El Boca Jalen Rose will let you know something every time he scores and I have it on good authority that he will score a lot. That howl you hear is not the wind whipping through your fancy Staples Center, Senor Sam. It is your own wail of despair as you cry helplessly as El Boca destroys all who dare guard him!
Some people out there feel pity for Sacramento as this once daring and original team has fallen on bad times. Los Ballers Azul do not believe in mercy! It is a sign of weakness! If you cannot crush those that are weak how can you hope to take down the strong? It makes no sense. The Kings of Sacramento are ants to be stepped on.
Fortunately, it will be all too easy for Los Raptors. What kind of self-respecting team names a perennial loser as their captain? On his first year on the team no less! I hope the NBA's official basketballs are certified halal because Shareef Abdur-Rahim will be swallowing leather all night long as El Magnifico rejects each of his attempts.
After a full week of bashing the Western Conference Los Raptors might finally get tired in Golden State. In a way victories can be just as draining as losses as the toll of your own perfection can weigh you down. We have experienced it ourselves during our many Mexican basketball championships. If Los Ballers Azul can impart one piece of advice to Los Raptors it is to pretend that with each victory you are eating the soul of your defeated opponent. Absorbing the life force of your adversary is enough to energize you for a long season of victorious rampaging. Sometimes Dos will physically tear the heart out of one of our enemies and eat it while it is still beating but that was only on rare occasions when he was feeling very tired.
These players in Golden State claim they are Warriors yet I do not detect the scars of battle upon them. We think they are just a bunch of pretend Warriors with sissy names like Troy and Adonal and Baron and Calbert. Their hearts are not even worth eating. They probably taste like tofu. I dismiss you Golden State Warriors. Go home to your mommies and let men like Morris Peterson -- El Mo -- march to their victorious destiny unhindered by your simple-minded basketballing. Let them march to the inevitable 73-9 final record.
- Tel Aviv Maccabi can now claim to be better than the Miami Heat.
- Those of you who booed El Calvo Charlie Villanueva on draft night can now retract your resumes from any NBA GM jobs you were applying for -- 18 points, 6 boards, 4 steals versus Boston while Gerald Green sat and watched.
- Raptor opponents average nearly 30 points during the first quarter of last week's games, it's all a part of Coach Mitchell's Rope-A-Dope strategy.
- Andre Iguodala had 16 rebounds against the Raptors last week. Rafael Araujo has 13 total rebounds this season.
- 10 games into Seattle's season and Rick Brunson has already accumulated 9 DNPs and fallen behind Mateen Cleaves on the depth chart. Way to earn that guaranteed million!
- Now that the Raptors have won everyone can turn their attention back to what the mess that is the Atlanta Hawks.